melancholy with a dash of hope

everything is frozen today.

it's bright and super sunny, but there is a certain still all around though the roads still have signs of life.

i tried to make the hour and a half drive up to see a dear friend come home from her mission today, as well as other friends i haven't seen since i came back from my, well, mission of sorts last week.

it started out clear but as i drove (exceeding the speed limit by you know, a more than marginal amount...), the sky turned from blue to grey. the air went from clear to clouded. and soon i couldn't see more than 50 or 100 feet in front of me. i slowed my car and felt a small foreboding feeling, but i kept on.

soon though, i knew i'd have to turn back. it was ridiculous--i couldn't see a thing in front of me, and every road sign that appeared was a surprise until it was right in front of me. the sun, however, was a tiny but perfectly clear circle high above me. i wondered why it wasn't helping more with my vision. with a bit of a heavy heart, but one that was willing to listen to my head for once, i turned off the next exit and re-directed my route to head back where i'd come from.

i made it back right in time to catch my own ward's meeting. it felt good to be back and i couldn't have picked a better meeting to welcome me back to my utah home and church.

however, as i walked out of the building alone into the cool, fresh air, pulling my scarf tighter around my neck, small sense of sadness tugged at my heart a little. my eyebrows furrowed in slight confusion.

i missed.

that's what the feeling was, i think.
is, really.
it's a familiar feeling.
i missed them.
the kids.
the friends.
the people.
the place.
the lifestyle.
in mexico, of course.

i found myself wishing i'd have hugged the kids more often
(even though i did it quite a bit; it was one of my favorite things to receive from them)
because i really missed that.

but then it extended into other people i'm missing.
people who have quietly stepped out of my life for some reason or another;
i missed them.

i drove along, reflecting as i did.
turned on some album leaf, which is the closest to sunday music i had.
it was a good choice for my mood.
and the day did its best to reflect my feelings.

**

everything in my life is pretty straight forward right now.
sort of like that freeway.
just go straight, and go on for like 86 miles, and eventually i'm supposed to turn a couple times.
but sometimes that super thick fog comes up and it's hard to see past my own nose.
but i can't really turn around so i just have to remember to let the light lead, even when it feels dim.

**

i contemplated writing this on the way home because i felt the familiar urge to process these particular feelings today, but i knew words wouldn't do it this time. they haven't really. though i felt like i had to try, which is what i did above.

so there you have it.

the only solid thing that came to me regarding how to express my current feelings were the words i used for the title, and a vague image i had in my head. i'll draw it real quick (i'm curious to see what it looks like) and post that, too.

...

okay i drew it. i was going to work on it more, but i don't really want it to be more than this. and it looks a little sad. but i'm not.

well, i'm not sad per say, i'm just missing.
just a moment of melancholy, if you will, but with a dash of hope.

it was a blur

jeff tends to do these things at the end of each year. i don't but i'd like to. honestly, i started and never finished this one, so i took out all the unanswered questions. but here are the answers i already put down. 

***

What did you do in 2013 that you'd never done before? 
designed album packaging for a favorite band, moved to mexico, became a teacher.

Did you keep your new years' resolutions? 
yes and no.

What are some of your resolutions for 2014?

What countries did you visit? 
mexico

What date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 
the second sunday in august.  easily the saddest day of the year.

Did you suffer illness or injury? 
sho' did!

What did you want and get? 
a perfect escape

What were your favorite films of this year? 
big fish (i know i'm late to that party), frozen.

What were your favorite albums of this year? 
white flag, youthemism, amelie

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 
oh, that's right. i held a photobooth party. called it my swanky silver party and everyone dressed up all fancy-like, then we took pictures in a make-shift photo room in my downstairs.

What kept you sane? 
toward the end of the year, this book.

Who was the best new person (people) you met? 
my family in mexico.

despedidas rotos

it's been a while.

too long.

first of all, you should know that i'm writing to you from my little kitchen in mexico.

yes, mexico.
i moved here three months ago sort of on a whim, to teach kids english.

the thing is though, this is the last night i will sit in this kitchen and still claim it as "mine".

in 3.5 hours, at...3:30am, i will walk out of this apartment door and start my journey home.

"home".
home?
yes, that place.
in the united states.
my "real" home.

the thing is, this place seems like another home.
i've felt this way before -- last time it was this strong was when i lived in new york.

leaving there was hard because i missed a lot of the culture, the art, the atmosphere, my independence, my sense of importance and purpose, the connections i was making in the art world. at least i think so.

leaving here is different.

**

usually, places are very important to me.
i tend to attach emotion to physical location, and i usually let myself do that as long as it doesn't get unhealthy.
new york was a lot of that for me.
and when i went back to visit, it was so wonderful to see so many familiar locations.

but here in my pachuca?
here it was all of that....plus people.
so many people.
so many people to love.
so many people i let myself love,
with the hope that someday they would know how much they mean to me.

so today when i walked out of the school, it didn't really bother me that i didn't get to say goodbye to the classrooms i've taught in for 3 months or see them one last time. it wasn't physical location this time.

**

i've made many friends here.
the missionaries, especially elder gomez and three of his companions in our time here,
the ward members, the faculty at the school, the director and his wife who were like our parents, and especially 47 specific people.

47 other smaller, shorter, clever, sensitive, funny, bright, charming, curious, playful, wonderful people.
all under the age of 9.

and those are the people, perhaps, who make me want to spend more time here in mexico. they're not even quite "people" yet. son niños.

los niños que robaron mi corazón.

**

today was our final performance with the school. we were asked to make our part of the program 30 minutes, and we filled it all with singing because what better way to show what they'd learned plus bring the Christmas spirit?

and then after....after. that was filled with gifts, hugs, tears, and good-byes.
lots of broken goodbyes.

me gustaría tener las palabras para expresar mis sentimientos cerca los niños, la gente y mi experiencia en méxico.

but i didn't have the right words. i don't even know if i would have the right words in english. i just pray that someday, these people will realize how much they mean to me.

para siempre Dios esté con vos hasta nos vemos otra vez.

coming up for air

i've blogged about conference before, but have you ever wondered why it's so great? the video will help you understand (it is only one minute long!). 
 
the first session just ended and it's been amazing so far. you can even see my tweets (shift your gaze a little to the right and up just a tad, ah! found it? the feed is just right there on my blog) about some of my thoughts on it, hashtagged #LDSconf.  anyway. tune in if you'd like some bits of hope: http://www.lds.org/general-conference/watch?cid=HPFR100413105&lang=eng  :)
 i feel like this is a little bit of light i can receive after i've been in a lot of fog, and before i head into more.

venus and allegories

written 9/30/13

this evening as my brother and i approached the overlook on ocean avenue in santa monica to view the hazy sunset, we were both strongly reminded of a similar view we had previously experienced, though that was overlooking the duomo and beautiful city of florence, italy last year. 

same sun, different continents.
similar sunset, similar situations. 
but how much has changed since then. 

---

my brother and i never did see the sun tonight, though its remnants were subtle and inviting and calm.

as we sauntered along the path, watching the sky change, we both noticed venus. venus shone, faintly at first, against the setting sunset as it faded from brilliant orange and pink to purple and blue to dark black. as the brilliance of the sky faded, venus was more noticeable and soon became the center of focus against the dark velvet sky.

its inherent brightness never changed; only its surroundings, yet it became more obvious as night settled in.

--

we had a really great talk. 

about the garden of eden.

about animals and communication.

about the importance of food

and perhaps its relevance on earth

about learning.

about the universe. 

about movies.

--

i told my brother something that happened on my recent trip from the east coast: 

at one point, on the last leg of the journey, i was driving late at night. the sunroof was open and mariah and i were cruising along somewhere in nebraska. 

all of the sudden, i was aware of our surroundings: it was flat all around us and i felt like we were in a big snow globe: i could see the stars so clearly and they surrounded us like a dome across the entire horizon. i could see them out the left window, up through the sun roof, and meeting the ground through the right window. 

so clearly--SO many of them. 

and i got so excited! the next night was our final night driving and i made sure i paid attention to the sky when the sun went down. the wyoming terrain was more rocky now, but the stars showed up as they had the previous night. i was driving again, but i looked over every moment i could get (grateful not many cars were on the road) out my window to just gaze on the stars. i could see the milky way tonight and it was such a sight to behold. i felt grateful that i could see such a wonder in so much detail. 

--

you see, i know that it's there. 

but seeing it is something completely different. 

it doesn't change the truth i've always known.

it just makes me go, 

"yeah! i recognize that 

because i've known it all along."

--

so tonight in santa monica, 

it was interesting to just see that one shining ball of gas. 

venus. 

that was pretty much it. 

and to know that there were those millions and billions of stars that i'd seen

just a week ago -- out there, 

and they were still in front of my eyes tonight

but i just couldn't see them.

because of the smog here, 

because i was close to the city,

because of the lights,

because my eyes are too weak.

but knowing that i'd seen them last week

gave me a little secretive smile

as i folded my arms

and we both watched venus 

appear to be the only belle of the ball. 

just because i couldn't see the other stars

didn't mean they weren't there. 

i wondered what the sky would look like if this city weren't there, 

if the smog weren't there, 

if the lights weren't there, 

if our eyes could see all that was out there, 

and if the only thing that remained was the bench we sat on.

the sky would make everyone stop and stare. 

and it really should make everyone stop and stare anyway, 

but we didn't see one person stop. 

so there we sat, 

siblings on a bench, 

talking about the universe,

watching venus,

sharing a secret with each other 

and God

and the universe. 

wander

i just traveled through 15 states in 12 days by way of car. spent most of the time on the east coast.
i am home for two days until i get on a plane to travel to the other coast for another couple of weeks.

but i woke up this morning lonely in my bed.
i just ate a grilled cheese and some tomato soup on my kitchen counter.
comfort food.
thinking about the same things i was thinking about before my trip.
being sad about the same things i was sad about before.
at the same table i sat at before.

i know that traveling doesn't take away problems,
but i'm just wondering...did i do it wrong?

i left without a proper goodbye

mariah is driving as i write this post. it's been a crazy trip so far, but the most meaningful state for me has been virginia. 

for lots of different reasons. 

so while we are still here, i wanted to write this. 

dear virginia,

you've always been a mystery to me.

you still kind of are, 

but i was surprised how well we got along. 

i feel like there's a reason i was born in a hospital within your borders.

i want to say i will see you again soon 

but i sort of feel like if i pen that, i won't, and i'm not sure which i'd prefer at the moment. 

so i won't pen either of them.  

i'll just nod my head at you and try not to wish i were still there (because now that i am finishing this, we are already a state or two or three away, so i am not).

thanks for the two-day adventure.

it was bittersweet, to say the least.

love, 

kristin

(the picture: my last night in arlington)