psa: vulnerability apparently dwindles when you don't use it

you should be proud of me.
i have written a lot lately.
in fact, i have written eight complete blog posts.

...they're all tagged as "drafts" in my post queue from january 29 til now.
where has my courage gone?

the human experience

we found it.

our friend matt usually hosted dance parties at his place.

but driving to this party, tali and i realized it was in the lounge of some apartment complex close to campus.
but i mean, the ambiance was cool; there was a sort-of deejay and a decent lighting setup and a lot of fog machine smoke.
okay, cool.
buuuut it turned out to be filled with sweaty super-dooper young undergrads, just like i feared when i realized it was this particular apartment complex.

but we walked in and greeted matt.

then i scanned the medium-sized room.
nope, didn't know anyone.

------- 1.5 hours earlier, 7:30pm -----

it was called the "i love humans party" and i had no idea what to expect.
but talisa always hosts good parties, so i figured this would be great.
honestly though i was feeling atypically antisocial.
so while the small group talked and laughed and flirted,
i grabbed my sketchbook and continued a drawing i had started earlier today after work,
waiting to go car shopping.
my first drawing of 2015.
(if you're an artist, you'll know this implies my total artistic slackership thus far....)

as the party progressed, i remembered it's national handwriting day.
as customary in much of my art, i figured i'd throw a few words in there.
(thanks, blog, for creating this need....)
so i started to add interesting phrases i overheard while everyone talked.
it was actually pretty fascinating to see how all these mid-late 20-somethings interacted with each other.

------- 3 hours earlier, 4:30pm -----

i had been car shopping last week as well, but this afternoon i went with a friend who is an experienced car-shopper, to meet another a friend who works at a car dealership and wanted to show me some of the vehicles they had.

honestly, i was wary. i didn't want to stress a friendship over a car deal, and last week i got another car dealership guy breathing down my neck. as in, calling and emailing me more than i talk with my parents.

------- 3 hours later, 7:30pm -----

soon after i started to add words into my drawing,
the group started a game:
someone pulled a question out of a hat and asked someone else in the room to answer it.
simple enough.
i figured with everyone being inundated with trivia crack recently, it'd be some sort of live action version of that.
.....mmkay.

but one of the first questions caught me off guard.
as this was a "i love humans" party, it was:

what makes humans, human? 

um.
what?

someone answered,
"i think what makes humans, human -- is our imperfection."

that was...strangely comforting, as well as the short discussion that followed.
kind of cool.
okay.

next question,

what scares you the most about humans? 

answers surfaced like,
"our ability to choose" and
"the fact that we can hurt each other".

huh.
as i continued to draw, my ears perked like i was some sort of golden retriever.
(do golden retrievers ears perk? i don't even know).

next question:

what fascinates you most about humans? 

suddenly this started to sound like a party to fit my somewhat pensive mood.

and the discussion ensured:
"we are connected to each other."
"the complexity of the body."
"the resilience of the human spirit."

on and on we discussed these salient points, and i started to get excited about something.
life, maybe?
the joys of being human?
maybe just general excitement because these are perhaps my favorite conversation waters in which to swim.

time went by and i drew some notes and contributed when i felt.
by the end, i felt a little more full,
like i do at the end of all really good heart-to-hearts.
and i had already had one earlier today, surprisingly at work, so i felt happily intellectually satiated.

------- 15 minutes later, 9pm -----

on the way to the dance, 

we saw the moon. 

just for a few minutes, 

but it was incredible. 

a tiny, redish orange sliver. 

i was so glad to have someone there to experience that sight with me. 

------- 1.5 hours later, 10pm-----

not knowing anyone has never stopped me from dancing before. 

so of course, talisa and i went wild.

we had already warmed up, actually, inside her car before we walked in.
which was actually a really important primer to the experience which happened next,
and just as important was the human conversation just previous.

really quick,
an aside:
i love dancing. i think i've established this.
and sometimes i'm okay at it, because i've decided to not have as many inhibitions as i dance.
but usually i'm at least somewhat thinking of how to make the moves i do look...sort of cool.
(this is like...awkward confessions, round one.)

but as i started to move with the music in that dingy little room,
i was reminded that i didn't know anyone. and everyone was just....so super young.
but as i continued to dance, it really hit me:
i. didn't. know. anyone.

and quite honestly there was 0% of the people i was hoping to impress.
i mean, they were all closer to my nephew's age than to mine, let's be real.
usually i'd feel kind of old and try to enjoy it anyway, even though i know i can still easily blend in to this demographic.

but tonight, i was like,
I DON'T HAVE TO IMPRESS ANYONE.

and you know what that made me do?
dance like a fool.
no, seriously, like an absolute fool.

and you know what?
it felt incredible.

at one point, a kid danced up to me and said,
"so you dance facing the wall?"

indeed, my back currently happened to face the crowd bouncing to the thumping beat.
i smiled and shot back just as fast,
"sure do! when i dance for myself, i do!"

that's when i realized: for me, that's exactly what this was night was all about.

------- 3.5 hours earlier, 5:30 pm -----

to me, car shopping is complicated, and overwhelming.
i mean, so overwhelming that i was going to write how overwhelming it is and got overwhelmed just thinking about it.
ew.

but there were so many features that the two friends i was with were so impressed with so i was thinking,
uh...do i need to be impressed with this feature? 
oh yeah. probably so. they are, and they're pretty experienced.....


------- 3.5 hours later, 9:30pm -----

i found myself relieved that none of my friends had showed up to the dance party.
usually dancing is fun for me as i love to help liberate others of their innate shyness on the dance floor,
or i try to make some awesome moves and even though it really is therapeutic it's usually fun to watch others and deviate off of what they do. it's sort of a really fun creative challenge for me. and it's usually about social connection as well.

but not tonight.
nope, tonight this was just for me.
i didn't even want to talk with anyone else.

in fact, i found myself intentionally letting my body respond however it felt according to the music,
and i encouraged it to dance more stupidly than normal -- by a ton, but naturally -- because then:
people wouldn't have the physical space to judge,
wouldn't have a chance to talk with or try to hit on me (c'mon, it just happens at dances, you know?)
and wouldn't have a chance to try to compete with me.

because i didn't notice them.
i was too fast, too wild, or too in my own world for all of those things.

in fact, most the time my eyes were closed
or i was looking toward the ground.
it helped me stay grounded; it helped me connect with the music more.

when i looked up,
i would get distracted by other people's moves
and forget to focus on my connection with the music.
and man, i was grinning.

it helped to have talisa there
because she was doing the exact same thing.
and halfway through the dance,
we both noticed we felt the exact same things.

it was liberating. so liberating!

------- suddenly, in my head -----

the features my car-savvy friends thought were cool are totally cool. 

does that mean i need to be impressed by those particular cars? 

nope. 

do i have some cool dance moves?

sure do. 

do i need to dance those moves at dances when i kind of don't feel it, because it's sort of expected of me? (really because i expect it of myself)? 

sure don't. 

do i need to prove myself to anyone else? 

actually no. 

do i know some pretty cool people? 

yep. 

do i need to compete with them? 

nope. 

------- back at the party -----

facing-the-wall boy was back, and he had some pretty funky moves. probably. i never really looked up to acknowledge them. i didn't need to compete with him. 

i did notice that he danced closer and closer to us, and the closer he got, the further i got. 

partially because i had become adamant about not letting this night be about impressing people...or being impressed. 

which sounds absolutely jerky. i know. 

but i just needed this for me. 

and partially because i was thinking all the above thoughts in my head and processing. it was so great. 

tali and i decided that we'd pick one last song and then dance on out. 

as we quickly, stealthily gather our things (only a jacket each; we'd left our phones and all else in the car), 

wall boy gathered his. 

so we danced out at a random time during the song, 

then completely booked it outside, laughing the entire way out.

we hope that wall boy knows his moves are great

but we just both desperately needed this for us. 

besides, if he wanted to mingle, ifyaknowwhatimean, we'd just have to tell him we're 6-8 years older than him, soooooooo......

------- the car, 10pm -----

we raced to the car and blasted music. 

i mean, blasted. 

and we continued our dance party of two, and sang and danced our little hearts out. 

rather, our upper bodies -- our feet were kind of stationed where they are, being in a car and all.

on the way home, there was a great song that came on, 

so we stopped the car and danced on a somewhat deserted road overlooking our entire city. 

just because we could.

and then we hopped back in the car and continued. 

just because we could. 

and because we were cold. 

back at talisa's, 

we talked about how liberated we felt. 

how lucky we are

to have these experiences. 

these discussions and these dances.

really, by letting ourselves just let go, 

we're learning to love all of ourselves. 

and that's so important if we can ever open ourselves up to love someone else, 

or let someone else love us. 

------- 45 mins before -----

as i danced, i thought, man. 

i'm freaking 26 years old. 

i could have been a mom by now. 

and what kind of mom would be dancing so stupidly at a college party? 

then i thought, 

um....a cool one, duh. 

i absolutely want to encourage my children to dance all the time. 

if they like dancing. 

i'm not going to force it upon them as punishment 

(though that'd be kind of fun....). 

i want to have dance parties with my kids. 

yeah! i can do this.  

when it happens.

and as i focused on making sure i was true to my high-spirited, dancing self, i thought, 

someday i'll have someone who won't judge me, 

someday i'll find someone who will catch up to me. 

someone who won't compete with me, but will dance with me. 

someone who won't ask me to slow down* but we will run together.

someone who won't just deal with and ALL of my sides (as introverted/exhilarated/extroverted/ridiculous), but will love and encourage them! and encourage me to develop them. 

someone to whom i can do all that for as equally.

tonight i was too fast, too wild, or too in my own world for all of those things in a literal sense.
and it felt good just to be me

in general, i see myself as too much and other times not enough, too fast or too slow, too wild or mundane, too in my own world or too concerned about the worlds of others for things to balance out.

but i'm working on it.
and i'm living a very human experience. 

------- 11pm -----

on my way home from talisa's, 

i saw two deer, just still against the mountainside. 

i also turned up the music 

and i sang as loud as i could. 

i mean, really loud. 

with the owl city dude,

i'm trying to make myself believe that planet earth moves slowly. 

but man, it moves. 

i parked. walked to my door. 

and before i did, i stopped to admire the stars --

i love that i can see them so clearly where i live. 

this earth is incredible. 

------- now / 3 hours later -----

i think i will just look at the floor and focus on being where my feet are. put my head down and go to work. and then dance like everyone's watching (because they probably are). and i won't care, and it'll feel great.

*by "slow down" i don't mean i shouldn't slow down in my life or on my calendar. i promise you i am very aware my schedule is overbooked. i promise i know, and i'm working on it.

before it grows too late

the following: a facebook status i posted that i need to remember. with a few extras because this is my little corner. 

here’s a healthy dose of vulnerability and some truth.

i went to the relief society #womensmeeting preoccupied and anxiety-filled. not wanting to talk with anyone, i sat in the corner hoping not to be noticed. because of my stubborn and introverted mindset, i was a lot more focused on what was happening. i listened and felt. and as i sat there, it was like my cup drained of its worries and filled with hope and direction. my cheeks were completely wet and i was vaguely grateful i decided against makeup today. i still have all the same problems, but somehow things are manageable. i don’t know how that works, but i just know it does. with God, all things are possible.

we don’t earn His love; we couldn’t even if we tried. but it is there, just waiting for us to recognize it. and when we do, my…it’s a powerful feeling. i am important. you are important. we each have a work to do and it is important to God that we are successful. our victories are important to him, no matter how small they may be.

please, please—no matter who you are: make it a priority to watch LDS general conference this coming weekend. we have a good long week to prepare. he’s just waiting to give us what we need to hear, as long as we’re seeking for it with an open heart. i just want everyone to experience what i did tonight, because it felt so good. so personal.

“lead me, guide me, walk beside me…
help me find the way."

empty rooms with dense air

so looks like i word vomited. 
like....five times. 
last month, on this blog.
that's pretty good, right? 

****

right now i'm listening to my own voice croon songs (really, bits of songs) i've "written" --made up in the car and recorded-- and it's sort of soothing rather than insecurity-filling, which it has been in the past.

and some of these songs? from a few months ago? they are heart-breaking.
it almost makes me want to cry.
and there are journal entries mixed in.
i am letting them play as well.
and also writing down the lyrics of the songs.

and surprisingly, i really like some of the songs.
like....really.
a lot more than i thought.

i want to do something with them.
but i also want to keep them a secret.
they *are* my journal entries.
sort of like this blog.

but like this blog, they are my secrets that i feel the need to share.

thinkspace

it's been so long since i've written consistently here.

i want to reclaim it.

i feel like i've scattered my thoughts across the minds of others recently.
i'm guessing you could bet: i'm a very open person.
but in some ways it's terrifying.

i still need this space,
to gather my thoughts like cards--
scoop them all up and deal them out
just to see what hand i have.

(which is funny because i rarely play card games)

but it's true because when you're dealt cards, you know you have cards. you see them physically in your hands. they're tangible. but only when you really turn your cards over do you see what's revealed.

thoughts can be thick and at times almost palpable.
and recently i've had a good amount of them.

but instead of writing,
i've dealt them to others.

and not just one person
and actually, not just a few trusted best friends.

recently, i've been talking with new friends as well.
new people i've let into my life,
and given some of my most favorite thoughts,
my cards.

i hope they hold them close.

***

i guess that's another aspect of vulnerability i'm discovering.

in vulnerability you open up, yes.
but being vulnerable here on my blog, at least i can sign my name to it.
i can go back and reference anything i've written or released.
i can even delete if i want to
(which i don't think i've really ever done, but it's a safety blanket knowing i can).

in conversations, i can't.
in conversations, it's out in the open air, never to be reclaimed
unless i later intentionally reclaim it.

but then again, i don't even remember all that i've released to someone else's ears...
ears/mind/heart?

it's a tricky thing, connecting with people.

but then again, that's the whole point.
so i guess i'm okay, having spoken
and not written
for so long.

but still,
i miss this space.

and i am going to reclaim it,
for me, really.

intruder

today was a self-date day. had a really good experience. then i headed up to the sprague branch library; this is the last week of my art show. i hadn't been there to see my art since my opening reception at the beginning of january. i arrived at the room as a meeting was getting out, and i quietly observed as a few people looked at my art. then i followed suit. it's been a while since i've really studied those pieces. the following experience happened and this is how i recorded it in my journal app on my phone--

just checked on my art. it was a weird feeling this time for some reason. like a parent checking on a kid in his college dorm or something.

i picked up the comment book and decided to only read one comment
(i'd read the rest when my show came down)--
it was a pretty negative one.
not terrible...but sort of negative.
so i put the book down. perplexed. it stung a bit.

then i picked it back up again and wrote a note to myself in there.
so i kept my rule, then i added more.

because today, i attempted to look at my art, as best as i could, from the eyes of someone who didn't create it. i figured i was entitled to write my opinion in there, too, even if it was the result of being slightly bruised from someone else's.

sometimes it's nice to make your own rules.

shoot for the moon and hit the stars

looking back, 2012 was better than i ever could have imagined, but in ways that i didn't imagine.

remember this post? (if you don't, check it out. go ahead, i'll wait...)

....

well.

i'm so happy (and astonished) to announce that in 2012, i accomplished *most* of the things on that list.

when i wrote the 2012 list, i left open spaces so that through the year, i could add goals to those spaces as i thought of them or as opportunities arose. it's amazing what happens when you give yourself some room to dream. here's what my list ended up looking like:

i accomplished most everything in the "to do" section, except for learn a legit dance routine (i started to learn party rock anthem but never finished; alas, a goal for the new year...). and i also didn't exercise daily or do anonymous acts of kindness consistently. BUT, writing those down made me do them more often than i would have. i didn't leave my comfort zone once per week, but i daresay i certainly left it more often this year than i ever have before. and i'm pleased with my accomplishments.

the things i wrote down in the "to be" section were more challenging, but i worked really hard on them. they're not checklist items, and it's always good to focus on certain areas of life at different times.

the bottom part was meant to be motivational....and it really was!

and as for my dear friend who challenged us to make these goals in the first place? britta? yeah.

this was how she ended her year:

photo by steven freeland

she's the one in the wedding dress. :) i dunno if this was on her list or not but....bottom line? don't be afraid to dream.

dieter f. uchtdorf's reminds us of this in a great way:


i am still making my 2013 resolutions. a little late, i know, but better late than never. feel free to leave some of your resolutions or victories in the comments if you'd like to share. i'd love to hear them. :)

related: to find some really lovely resolutions, click here!

new year, NEW NEWS!

happy new year!

lots of things have been happening.

well, lots and none at all.
the none at all is shown by the activity on this poor dear blog that i miss.

and by the fact that i rang in the first week of the year by almost breaking my foot, putting up a solo art show and promptly getting a sinus infection in my sinuses/ears/throat and lungs which kept me down for the entirety of the month until yesterday and even yesterday was...hazy. so lots of nothing in those weeks. which was exactly halfway between nice and totally aggravating.

BUT lots of things have been happening on my art blog! and i want you to see it! so much so, that this whole sentence is a link in case you missed it in the last sentence! PLEASE go check it out and tell me my work hasn't been in vain. yes, let's start the new year by shamelessly begging for validation. hey, at least i'm being honest. ;) but between not being able to leave the house and having other [super dooper kind] people take some of those pictures and having to format the whole dang thing, it took me forrrrever to get that post up.

but i feel bad that i've neglected this blog.

so you know what i'mma do to compensate? i'll announce HERE first, before i do on the other blog, that i have an official facebook fanpage! you know, for my art! because i do art sometimes!

and also, i'll secretly announce that i have a one-night-only solo art show at sora dining on february 1! more not-so-secret details on that forthcoming.
AND i'll also announce that the first version of my website is coming veeeerrrrry soon. be on the lookout. you might have to go like my facebook page or follow my art blog to hear about that though ;)

oh. and one more thing.

got this in the mail yesterday.

= passage into big kid life, woooo!

adventure is out there.

twenty-four firsts

so a few months back, i turned 24. i [unofficially] decided to do 24 things i've never done before. i wanted it to be enjoyable and growth-promoting, rather than stressful, so i didn't pre-determine the list. instead, when faced with a choice, i just consciously made the decision based off of what i hadn't done before. so it pushed me out of my comfort zone, but wasn't as much pressure as a checklist.

here are my (favorite) "first" 24 things i'd never done before that i've done since my birthday:

1. ate at stan's diner
2. got an asymmetrical haircut
3. made a fake band and sang some duets at an open mic night at a real concert venue (and completely bombed it)
4. finally slept in the memorial room in the wilk
5. watched the video of said concert from #3 (which took just as much courage as it did to perform in the first place, and way more humility)
6. was interviewed for BYU TV
7. sang a solo and duet at the next week's open mic (and rocked it...at least better than the first time)
8. swam one whole lap freestyle without stopping (you have no idea: this is SO pathetic, but a big accomplishment considering how sick i was this semester. i had virtually no endurance)
9. aced the last test i will ever take in the testing center (which was actually ridiculously easy, but i'll count it)
10. lay on a nice spot of grass and watched the moody sky change, while bubbles (yes, bubbles) floated past, while listening to super cathartic music
11. finally went to mountain west burrito (and ate an entire burrito in one sitting, thankyouverymuch)
12. participated in the TOMS day without shoes event
13. went to wal-mart at 2 am. and tried on boxes. yeah, you heard me.
14. attended the holi festival of colors (and it hailed!)
15. went to sushi at sakura
16. 113 mph on a bullet bike (i was the passenger) :) (don't have a photo of the bike, so pictured below are the biking jackets, and also the beautiful lake that was found and admired, mid-ride. 'nuff to stop and stare for a while.)
17. switched phone companies (after going back SIX times to my provider with problems with my new phone...hello, verizon! please be good to me....)
18. got a 4.0 GPA. ...first time EVER since high school. this was my last semester, and my easiest, but i'm still really proud of it.
19. created a successful SOLO art show!
20. went on a self-date in my hometown. which is something i often did in NY, but i can't recall doing it here.
21. went camping with a huge group of friends. until now, we've never really gotten a good-sized group together to camp.
22. shot arrows with a bow!
23. bought my very own dslr camera and lens (with help from dad as part of my i'll-eventually-graduate-college gift), as well as cs6
24. applied for a u.s. passport.... :)

big things, little things, ALL THE THINGS! i really like doing this; i'm going to make it a habit. why not, right? below are some of the things. in relative order.

what have you recently done for the first time? or things you will do?!  

red lipstick

for a lot of reasons, i've been thinking about vulnerability a lot.

i've also been intently studying this diagram:

{via here}

and thinking about it.

and then i wrote a 17-page paper on vulnerability and TURNED. IT. IN.
(finally!)
you'd think that'd be pretty inclusive, right?
wrong.
i still have thoughts on it, as i experience it more and more.

so i'll probably write about it on my blog.
probably.

if that's okay with you.

i'll start with this conclusion from my research:

and guess what? so many of you already were willing to be vulnerable, by responding to my last post. no, it wasn't an experiment* at all; i just genuinely wanted to know what others thought of those dichotomies that i've been pondering. and i realized that by sharing some of my vulnerability with you, and you with me, we created a deeper connection. cool, yes?

so i *really* want to thank all of you who commented, emailed, and spoke with me about my last post. that was really neat to hear everyone else open up on those subjects. and if anyone would still like to add, i'd LOVE to hear what you have to say.

{addendum:: i'm going to add "the vulnerability experiment" tag to past and future posts that have to do with trying out vulnerability. lest you think i'm lying up there.}

questions for you

lots of things are going on in my head these days. in various experiences, i've been trying to separate the concept from the event, to make my choices.
--

in reality, i started this post weeks ago. i've made most the choices in my control, but the concepts have stuck with me. so i listed some of them below, without the stigma of my thoughts. why?

because, dear reader, you're always so good to come here and read my thoughts; this time i'd like to hear yours. and by writing down your thoughts and therefore committing them (just for this time and place; they can always change of course) maybe you can learn something, too? 

 i usually don't lobby for comments but if you have any thoughts about these, please leave a comment. i'm honestly very interested in anything you have to say.

--

1 // the dichotomy between being who we are and being who we want to be. similarly, trying to be who we are and being who we think we "should" be, or what our friends / family / peers expect us to be (or already see us as). 

2 // investing in something stable that brings benefits now and potential decent benefits later. or, investing in something unstable now that might potentially bring even better long-term benefits later.

3 // the tension between vulnerability and self-protection. 

4 // the balance of realism and hope. and how much effort to give to both. and how that ties into honesty, especially with yourself.

5 // perfectionism inviting paralysis

6 // where and how to draw the line between pushing ourself hard enough so that we'll grow, and overstepping that point to where we push ourselves too far, which could damage and lead to inhibition rather than growth. (ie, when you work out, you're literally tearing your muscles apart. that's why muscles get bigger; the tissue grows larger on top of the torn areas. but injuries come from pushing too hard, and then you're further away than where you began....)

7 // strengths and weaknesses. and how they tie in with vulnerability and humility and shame.

8 // holding on and letting go.

//photo taken by miss holga, from one of our adventures