feel the cold rush over me again

preoccupied, i drove home tonight.
it had been a good night, but left alone with my thoughts,
my mind reverted back into troubling situations and unanswered questions.

my window was down and my left arm was characteristically hanging out the window;
a favorite local band was humming through my speakers.
i was on auto-pilot; i hardly noticed as i maneuvered the stoplights on the near-empty streets.

about halfway home, i noticed the breeze.
it was creeping over my left forearm, soft and warm as it danced across my arm into the car.
and then in noticed the song playing from the cd.
i loved this song.

then i realized that i wasn't fully appreciating the amazingly warm air this night had to offer:
it had tried, but i had pushed it aside. i specifically noticed it now, and it felt amazing.
i even opened the sunroof and let more in.
gosh, i love feeling warm summer nights.

that's when i realized: these are all things i enjoy.
things i really enjoy.

night driving. summer nights. warm breeze. this song. singing.

...singing. i wasn't doing that, but i could.
i turned up the music and i remedied that.
and i sang loudly. from my soul, it seemed.

and i wondered how many perfect moments like that slip by without me noticing.
so i passed my street and took a long way home.
almost to apologize to a few of those moments,
and perhaps to make something up to them in some small way in promising to notice more of them.
starting now.

sometimes i leave the state to wander

smart: doing laundry before a trip.
not so smart: doing laundry that can't be dried in the dryer the day you board the airplane.

smart: blocking social media sites on your computer to prevent yourself from getting distracted.
TOO smart: picking up your phone and logging onto said social media sites to distract yourself from using your computer in productive ways.

smart: getting glasses before the trip so you don't have to wear contacts while you drive home across the country

not smart: not getting them in time for the "drive across the country" part

smart: finding an online glasses company who will ship glasses to your brother whom you will visit on the trip

not smart: losing the glasses you already own (which go over your contacts to assist you with things like, oh, driving across the country....) the DAY YOU BOARD THE PLANE

smart: transferring money from your savings to checking account in preparation to travel

not smart: forgetting your debit card at home and realizing it on the way to the airport

smart: getting to the airport early

too smart: early enough to find out that your 11:25pm flight has been delayed til 1am. 

also smart: calling back your ride and going to iceberg drive in and eating a lot of food to lull you into a food coma to sleep the plane (at least that's the hope).

...this was also smart because there was literally NO line at security. and it was actually a pretty fun experience. 

so it begins....

#ledgelockwanders

shorthand

in the past i have been incredibly good at record keeping. mainly because of a challenge my dad gave to me when i was in 6th grade, but that's not really what this post is about.

i've not been keeping a regular journal for over a year now and that's the first time since i was 12 this has happened. it's easy to slip out of habits you work so hard for, which is why the reason of such habits is so good to remember. again, this isn't today's point.

the point is, i'm exhausted. i feel like i have so much on my mind that even considering the task of putting a pile of words down and sculpting them into precise representations of abstract and complex feelings, which i have historically loved, feels like daunting. and feeling responsible for what seem to be lost memories seems haunting. especially when circumstances and feelings and thoughts come so quickly and change so suddenly. daunting and haunting.

that being said, well, read that again. did you catch the irony? meta-recording here.

i guess that's why sometimes i just have to write or record in shorthand. resort to looking at texts, emails, calendars, etc. to remember what goes on in my day-to-day life, because as seemingly insignificant as days are, they make up our weeks and months and lives. so day to day stuff is pretty important to me as a whole.

this sort of shorthand might not make sense to anyone else but sometimes that's okay. like today's for instance. today feels like window; i hope that tomorrow is thule.

white flag

::july 29, 2011::

i had been asked on a date by a friend. i stipulated that i could only go if we went to a battle of the bands to hear a band i'd heard was amazing. either that, or i'd have to go with him some other time. he agreed to the concert.

we doubled with one of my best friends and her date. i wasn't quite sure what to expect, but i was familiar with the venue and happy to be at a concert. i don't remember much about the first bands, but i'm sure they were good.

the time came for the band i'd heard about to play. as we stood there, close to the left side of the stage, i was overcome with something i hadn't expected. this music....this music was different. it was all instrumental--but i hardly noticed. there was something different about this band. something about the energy and the combination of rock band instruments plus a violin and cello...?! and the passion with which they played. i was stunned. i found myself standing there, transfixed with their music, but somehow in my own world, separate from the crowd i was standing in.

i left the concert on a high, feeling that something in my life had shifted just a little bit. and it felt good.

it's been a year and a half since i first heard searching for celia play that battle of the bands. i have since attended almost every concert they've played, first as an unashamed groupie, and eventually as a friend to each of the band members. but always because of my love for and belief in their music. i'd say that my regular attendance was because i'm a supportive friend, but many times it's been purely selfish: i need to hear their music. it does something for my soul that nothing else can tap into.

as i've listened more and more and have become more involved with their band, i realize that it has something to do with this:

as far as music goes, i guess you could say i'm primarily a "singer". at least i used to be. i grew up singing and in high school choir was my "thing". i've lost the majority of my ability since i let visual art consume my college life, but point is: i used to feel that i needed lyrics.

however, searching for celia made me realize the amazing effects of really quality instrumental music. specifically, instrumental music that really connects with me. because of the lack of lyrics, their music doesn't dictate specific things i should think about. rather it invokes feelings, filtering and directing my own thoughts--providing them a passage through which to flow, with momentum to do so. i suppose this could be true with any instrumental music, but searching for celia invigorates and excites me.

i often live too much in my head, and if left to my own thoughts, i can sometimes stay on one idea and stew. other times, that thought mixes with just a couple others and goes in circles. both are not terribly helpful and sometimes they can be destructive to my happiness or productivity.

since my interest in searching for celia stemmed, i've branched into other groups in the post-rock genre. not all the bands i've experienced have held my interest. i've only recently realized a reason why, though this is only one component. but here's the idea: the ones that i love and hold my interest are those which have distinct melodies or thoughts behind them. they're not just noise. their songs travel an emotional journey, exploring all kinds of feelings, dynamics and tempos, always with an actual recognizable melody, and are diverse enough to beckon you to come with them. and you want to.

that's my current thought, and it might not make sense in words, but i guess that's kind of the point. you'd just have to experience it.

~*~

last week, searching for celia released their first album! of course i attended their album release concert, which i might add, was sold out. i'm sorry if you weren't there; you missed out on an amazing experience. however, to console you, here's a link to find out more about how to purchase their album. and here is a music video for the first track on their album.

and yeah. you're welcome. :)

dancing with a little girl heart

i've been perusing my blog's...*cough* 85 drafts. 

i was looking for the one with the words writtten below. i'm publishing it now because i danced a bit this morning (it had been a very long time since i'd done so), and i just accidentally perfectly classified this type of dancing. which is the title of this post. 

monday june 6, 2011. 11:31am -- 

i just realized something.

i spent 3.5 hours writing in my journal this morning because my head was about to explode, and so was my heart.

so after i used my journal as my pensieve, as i so often do, i was completely filled with emotions. tons of them. all mixed.

i put on a song that was stuck in my head yesterday. it was SO VERY appropriate for what i've been feeling and experiencing.

i danced to it.

and i danced HARD.

i realized something and commented to my mom -- i am a pretty alright dancer sometimes. sometimes = when i'm driven by emotion. she said, yeah, you won't let me watch you now, but when i used to watch you dance, you were always so expressive. it was wonderful.

then i realized: i have very little formal technique on which to base my dancing, so emotion is the only driving force behind the way i move my body. which is both empowering and limiting and either way, very honest: when the emotion is gone, so is the dancing.

it's thrilling, being driven and moved by pure emotion.
but also frustrating, to reach the end of your ability.

who needs a throne of comfort anyway

first item of business: my show opening was a success. i was so grateful. eventually i will have pictures to share and stories to tell. and today is the last day that it will be up; i have to remove it tomorrow.

secondly, a poorly written but very sincere thought from about five minutes ago:

have you ever done something that took a lot out of you --a lot of emotionally vulnerability-- and to your hesitant relief, the results turned out just fine?

and so you went a little further along your path, treading lightly and playing it safe,
but then the smallest thing just pulls the rug out from under you?

and you feel like you toppled off of your great red cushy throne of comfort that you worked so desperately hard to climb up into. and now you're temporarily scared to do the tiniest of vulnerable things?

cuz that's how i'm feeling right now.
and i can't even put my finger on why, exactly.

it's not a big deal,
but i don't like the feeling.
it'll pass.
perhaps it is a temporary vulnerablilty hangover.

in the meantime, how do you get out of this?
suggestions?

ten years later and still

i ran into my old journals today.

thanks to a challenge from my dad, i have a pretty good record of my life written by my own hand from 6th grade til college.

i picked up a journal just now, and rifled through a few pages. as my eyes skimmed, some of the words caught and held their attention. i ended up reading a good amount of my entries from when i was fourteen. 

it was so interesting; most sounded so naive and frivolous, and then all the sudden, there would be a profound little heartache in the middle. quickly mentioned but very precise and painful, like a puncture wound. then the frivolities of my superficial interactions with boys and school projects and how much i hated math would consume the next few entries. but here and there were little pricks of what i remember to be my real sorrows from that age. some which still affect me.

now, don't get me wrong: i was blessed to have an amazing childhood and adolescence. amazing.
especially understanding now what it could have been, i'm so grateful for what it was.
it was more fulfilling and wonderful than a lot of people have the opportunity to experience, and i feel nothing but gratitude. i have no right to complain. 

but like anyone else, there have been some difficult things i had to cope with, and as i read, my heart kind of broke for my younger self.
some entires were difficult to read, for no apparent reason.
a few times, my eyes glassed over with a couple of tears that didn't fall. 

just now as i was reading, i had the urge to go back in time and explain to my younger self a few things. so naturally, i figured i should write a letter. fourteen-year-old me is still in me somewhere; i'm sure she still needs to hear them.

dear 14, 

i've been reading your recent journal and have a few tidbits for you. i've listed them below. 

okay first off don't worry--literally, all the guys you're worried about now are gonna be married by the time you're 24, and not to you. so you won't have to worry about them anyway. 

eventually, you'll stop writing things like l8r and gr8 and g2g...and your writing will be much more palatable.

it appears that you have discovered and are now trudging through the awkward realm of interpersonal relationships and social interaction, especially with the guys. bravo. just so you know, awkward will always hover, but you'll learn to manage yourself better just by wading through it and learning from your mistakes. this is actually really good for you to learn now rather than later, though sometimes it kind of bites. i know.

pay attention to how you're hurting now, because those pains are a precursor to pains that you'll have later in life. pains that are deeper than what you feel now, but surprisingly of the exact same thread. it's really good that you're learning how to deal with them healthily now, so that you can deal with them in a similar manner when you're older and they're harder, but parallel in the intensity of how they affect you now.

it's good that dad told you to write one thing you're grateful for at the end of every day, because if you notice, there's a pattern. in between your observations of boys' hairstyles and the happenings of school assemblies, are the things you are most thankful for. those are the concepts that really explain how you are getting through this hard and often unspoken undercurrent. you frequently write how grateful you are for prayer, seminary, church, mom, friends.... this shows what's really going on, more than your daily account of life as a freshman in high school. though both the routine of daily life and the underlying values work hand in hand. always remember that. 

to ease your mind, i wish you could know this stuff now, but you'll learn it eventually. and you won't learn as easily if you think you already know it. 

sincerely, 
24 (and no, that is not old)

i feel like i'll probably be writing a similar letter to my 24-year old self when i'm 44.

i'll probably laugh at my writing quirks then, too. 

some things just don't change.

guitar chords and moral lessons

i've been working on my bfa project this morning. mainly gathering scraps of inspiration and making this pinboard, but in real life.

i was singing at the top of my lungs while doing so, just as kind of a peripheral happenstance. it was odd how clear and controlled my voice was; i think for some reason since no one was around and i was just super calm and content, cutting out bitty pieces of inspiration, i was able to really let go and just sing. almost like i used to.

after a while, i couldn't help but grab my guitar. for about twenty minutes, my guitar and i had a great time together. after, i gchatted this to jeff:

meanwhile, i just took a break to learn a new song on my guitar.

and i liked that. 

my fingers miss those steel strings, and i think i say that to myself every time i start to play again. 

funny how easily forgotten some very important things are.

he responded, 

it is funny. 

and kind of scary. 

be they guitar chords or moral lessons.

whelp, back to cutting up inspiration.

#littlethingscount

grownupdates

ok. so i have approximately one bajillion posts (maybe 20?) that are in various forms of publication. some are almost there, some have been abandoned halfway, others need to be written. 

i don't really know where to start, so i'll use this one to break the ice and we'll see where it goes, shall we?

let's start with current events.

so...i'm back from italy. 

hey there!

i can't really sum up the experience i had there in one post, so i'll just leave that information with the promise of italy-inspired posts (and photos!) to come. 

since i've been back, i've finished editing two sets of photos that i shot for two different weddings, as well as completed a huge project at work. again, hopefully i'll get around to posting those in their respective places, and you'll hear about it.

oh, and i'm also kind of fake-graduating this coming friday. 

fake, because i still have to do my final art show before i can legitimately receive a diploma proving my 5-some years of university life. so that'll come in december. 

but i just picked up my cap and gown, so i guess it's sort of official? 

----

as i was walking to my car after picking up my cap and gown, i had a couple ideas go through my head.

i realized that i sort of have a paradoxical complex.

being a grown-up is hard for me.

here's the thing:

i latch on to intellectual concepts and ideas easily. i crave intellectual conversation and revel in stimulating new concepts and ideas. these ideas don't have to be about anything in particular; they could range from interpersonal relationships to intense gospel concepts to physiology/anatomy to psychology/sociology to the wave particle duality theory (ooooh, that was a good conversation...) and so on. those are some of my favorites, by the way.

i love solving life problems and teaching others and feeling comfortable in a stimulating conversation. over the past couple of years, i've become pretty analytical, which is a trait i don't think i've always had.

but as far as the practicality of "growing up" -- i realized that i'm going to have to actually work at that. for me, that's not going to come as naturally as i think it should, because if so, i think i'd already be better in that area than i am now. at least, it's not coming as naturally as the theoretical practice i just mentioned.

if i had the practicality of "growing up" down, i would not be typing this from a bedroom floor on which i have to make space. if i were "grown up" in some practical sense, i'd take better care of my car and i wouldn't have to fight to pay attention to the responsibilities i have with it. i would manage my time and i'd stop trying to prioritize everything at the same level. i'd stop attempting to skirt reality with my idealistic tendencies and i'd stop expecting people to act how i feel they should. financially, i'd probably have gained credit by now, and i'd probably keep better track of my money. i'd probably know more than a thing or two about cooking.

i'd probably be doing a lot of things differently.

and i'm realizing that to get these particular things, i'm going to have to go at them one at a time, purposefully and consciously.

now, to those of you who have all those things down: bravo.
and to those who are shaking their head in strict reprimand, i say, it is what it is. i'm just being honest.
and to those who are rapidly scrolling past this to click the "comment" button to reassure me that i'm just fine, i really appreciate you, but -- chill.

i feel like i am okay. i'm growing and progressing at my own rate. we all do. eventually i'll be able to understand and do lots more things, even if i think i should have "grown up" faster and in different ways than i have now. i also recognize that different parts of our lives are for different stages of growth. maybe some day i'll be able to manage a credit card and remember to get my car oil and lubed and figure out what i'm doing with my career, but maybe i'll lose some of the intellectual growth that i've become so accustomed to in the past year. it all ebbs and flows.

and the cool thing is, everything becomes a part of us. so hopefully i'll take that growth and those theories and apply it practically. it's a balancing act for sure, but we learn to juggle all sorts of priorities and thoughts and tasks and relationships.

so in some ways, i'll never grow up.
i hope i'll never stop being wide-eyed at things that really impress me. i hope i always love reading childrens' books, even if i don't have kids. i hope i never get too embarrassed to be goofy, when it's appropriate.

and in other ways, i desperately hope i'll grow up. in fact, the whole point is: i'll have to make it happen. things like being more organized, learning to cook, managing money, being more politically savvy, etc -- are things that i control. i also control my priorities and my time.

but it's gonna take some time.
speaking of which, i'm late for an appointment, so if you'll excuse me....

good thing i hear there's life after college.

quiet place

i've mentioned before that i have had a bout with achilles tendinitis for the last few years.
now it seems that the rest of my body is following suit.
so, i decided to try a different route.
i've been seeing a muscle therapist for the last month.

it's interesting because he's takes more of a holistic approach.
he noted that:
i have tendinitis because one leg was shorter than the other,
so then my knee compensated,
then my right hip compensated,
then my back compensated.

so i've been treating the symptoms without treating the root of the problem.
i've been doing physical therapy, but without the muscles actually being in the right place in my body,
that's kind of like a band-aid rather than a cure.

the massage-esque treatment has been super painful, but i know it's worth it.
slowly, i feel my body becoming aligned again.

because our bodies are obviously affected with how we live our lives,
my muscle therapist asks me a lot about my personal life.
i don't tell him a ton of details, but he helps me understand how i deal with things
and in turn, how that affects my body.

did you know that the right side of your body is logic, and the left is emotional?
so i can tell where my stress is coming from based on which side of my body is more tense.

after both of the first two sessions, he asked me,
"are you a robot?"
"...no..?" i responded both times, both about like that.
"then don't walk like one!"

i've had to re-learn how to walk.
i've had to reset something i've been doing my whole life.

after the third session, he asked, "are you a train?"
"no."
i said it confidently this time, but with a hint of "?" apparent in my face.
"why?"
shoot. i wasn't sure how to respond.
"because a train must remain on its track. you, on the other hand, can move right or left. when you go to europe, if you plan on staying for two days in an area, but then you decide to stay another day, do it! that's okay. you are can go wherever you want. trains cannot."

i knew he wasn't just talking about physically, now.
i started to see what he meant.

today, he told me,
"make sure you keep hold of the stress out in front of you. don't let it consume you. i know that sometimes you can't help it, and it just comes over you [his hands motioned like a wave was washing over his head], but try to take hold of it and keep it in front of you rather than letting it become a part of you." he motioned as if he were grasping someone by the shoulders and holding them about two feet in front of him.

my pulsating headache has been my constant companion today.
so i liked that idea.

they move on tracks of never-ending light

[though it looks like one, this isn't a poem; it's just an unedited thought i scribbled out during a concert to the other night. i just preserved the format here that i wrote in my book, based on the book's physical constraints. the mental image i got was cooler than the words this time, but here they are anyway.]

adventures are challenging,
difficult and painful at times.
but worth it.
always worth it.

the whole point of exploring is
to uncover uncharted territories.
places that quite literally no one
has gone before.

which is honestly terrifying,
when you think about it.
because no one can know
what there is to be found.

but though there could be
tigers or snakes or monsters
or our biggest insecurities
waiting to stare us in the face,

no one will ever know their strength
until they face them.

[i've always said i love adventure--all sorts of it--but i'm not so sure if i ever really fully processed this aspect of it. out of default and experience, i've accepted it, but i don't know if i've ever really committed to accepting it willingly.]

explosions

i've been picking at this post for the last few weeks like a kid picks at his steamed green beans. you know. come back to 'em every once in a while, knowing that you can't be excused from the table (or get dessert) til they're gone. obviously i've been on a bit of a posting hiatus, so maybe i'll just publish this one and i can move on to more dessert-like posts (i've started about 6 posts that are in my drafts folder....). some posts are just like that, i guess. ironically, i'm currently in a pleasant mood, though that's not necessarily the tone of this post. so, it is what it is.

if contemplative moody instrumental music had lyrics, i'd probably base this post around them.

but they don't.
so…

……..
..
….
….
..

yeah.

lots of things have been changing recently.
like, too quickly. or too abruptly. or too...[insert that feeling of a bad aftertaste in your mouth here].

but at the same time, lots of things have stayed the same.
like, annoyingly the same.
almost so "the same" as to make me wonder if i'm missing something obvious.

and other things have been so surprising
that i don't really know how to deal with them.

these three qualifications,
in almost equal amounts. to the point where i'm almost amused.

and it kind of just makes me want to escape into some grassy field somewhere and not worry about it all, but instead watch the sky change moods and listen to whatever my ears pick up.

and on the other hand, i wish i could go turbo at everything: just plow through it all victoriously and tirelessly with superhuman strength.

food is starting to be a task rather than a joy, and who needs sleep, right?

i can't watch the clouds forever, and i'm not a plow. besides, i like food and sleep. and so my quest for balance continues.

sorry for all the food analogies.
i haven't eaten today; i'll fix that soon.

unpacking

[written at 9:20 this morning] 

it's been quite warm (we hit a record the other day for record high during this time of the year!) but early today the sun was shy and the clouds replaced its usual greeting. i noticed this as i rushed to my car after a busy morning, late for work. as i strapped my on seatbelt and pulled out into the street, i realized i felt a breeze. it was coming from the windows which were still cracked to ventilate yesterday's heat. though it wasn't warm this morning, it wasn't unnecessarily chilly, so i kept them that way as i sped on.

gloomy as the outside appeared, for me there was a different quality to it. a familiar atmospheric texture. i couldn't put my finger on it.

my mind was preoccupied with other thoughts, but it occasionally dipped back into a vague recognition of this somewhat recognizable ambiance as i drove.

unlike the normal overcast utah mornings, it wasn't cold, and i could feel water in the air though the rain hadn't made its way down yet.

it wasn't until i caught a scent as i rounded a slight bend in the road that i realized what it was. the faint smell was cigarette smoke, diluted by the smell of oncoming rain. that's when it donned on me:

new york.

of course. many of my memories from my internship two summers ago were fraught with this smell, feel, and surrounding environment. even the current road construction added to it. the only difference was that i was driving to work this time, rather than walking, and i was on the other side of the country.

i let my mind wander back to reminisce. the sporadic rain storms, walking to society, the crazy heat, the dynamics of various circumstances and relationships, the friends that i'd met there, so many fascinating strangers, the curiosity and wonder and awe that i tried to maintain throughout the entirety of my total eight weeks there.

i missed it.
all of it.
and i missed them.
and for a brief moment, i missed the me that was there.

but the other day, i penned it in black and white as i wrote to a friend:
she's still in me, somewhere.

----

in many aspects, i think i was a better person in new york.
the circumstances made it easier for me to function at my optimum capacity.

but, recently i heard a devotional by stanley g. ellis, who gave some solid advice about handling the "temporary stages of your life"...which can last a lot longer sometimes than we anticipate:

unpack your bags.

"be where we are. have an attitude as for years...be there, until you're not. the eternal attitude of a transient isn't good....[that] attitude....will rob you of much joy and satisfaction...and will cause the...community to lose the many contributions you could make."

that kind of hit me hard.
i'm not in new york now.
and i don't know when i'll return.

but -- what good did it do for me, if i only let that growth affect me while i'm there? or any place of growth, for that matter?

i need to apply that here. now. and i need to stop waiting for my future goals to be recognized to make me into the person i want to become. because chances are, as i focus on working harder to be that person now, i'll be a much better version of her later, and will be more prepared and ready when the rubber hits the road as those goals are actualized.

it's okay to miss times, places, circumstances, people, and discoveries that brought out the best in me. but i realized that it's almost like spitting in the faces of those people and places if i let whatever they made me into die simply because i don't want to make the effort to find and apply their effects within myself again.

---

well. that post didn't go where i thought it would go.
it was just going to say, "this morning felt gloomy but refreshing outside and i missed new york."
but i suppose i needed to remind myself of what i ended up writing.

hard drive

i just got home. i collapsed onto a stool at my kitchen table and opened my computer to check on some things. my home was completely silent, which was a nice change. eventually, i noticed my eyebrows were furrowed, bringing my attention to my subconscious, which was detecting an almost imperceptible whirring sound. i realized that it was trying to figure out what the sound was, which is why i couldn't be totally focused on what i was doing. funny how your brain and your thoughts can be two different places simultaneously.

when i realized this, i stopped typing, and almost like a cat poised to pounce, looked up and paused, giving the sound my full attention. after a bit i realized that the culprit was my external hard drive on the other end of the table. i squinted my eyes in confusion.

it was plugged into the wall, but not the computer.

that was odd.

i went over and yanked the plug out of the wall. then i cocked my head, eyebrows still knit and stared at the external hard drive, half in mild bewilderment and half in amusement.

as a gentle chastisement, i thought to it, why are you doing all that extra work? you're using so much energy churning your wheels just to churn them, but you're not even accomplishing what you're meant to do. you're plugged into the wall, working hard and getting hot over nothing, because your usb cord isn't even connected into a computer.

and it just stared back at me. if it had an eyebrow, it would probably raise it, and look at me the same way i was looking at it.

february 29th is a fake day

and here's why.

me: hey today. i have an extreme headache and more work to do than i have time for. i don't know how i'mma get it all done.

today: ....

me: what, you're not gonna fight me on this?

today: ....

me: erm...this is unsettling. k, i'm just gonna start then....

today: [vaguely nods]

me: *makes a fancy to-do list, works with incredible focus that i don't hardly ever remember feeling (EVER), completes last paper for block class and sends it, finds some awesome listen-while-i-work bands, reads professor's complimentary notes on my papers, headache slumps off sometime in there, finds evidence to support thesis and gets most of research paper written, looks up, blinks, and rubs eyes.*

me: WHAT.

today: [giggle] happy fake day.

me: WHAT.

[end]

up with the birds

preface: i got out of class early and walked to my car. the overcast sky was a bit chilly and sprinkled a bit of rain. but as i drove, the sky got brighter in its overcast state. as i neared my home, admiring the valley from that one view, coldplay came on my iPod singing this song. i could tell it was going to be a longer drive home than i'd originally intended. and i was perfectly fine with that.

i drove to a road where i could better view the sun and west sky, playing that song over and over. the following is the stream of consciousness which resulted.

4:40ish pm--

okay. 

currently i've pulled over on the side of the road just to sit here and type. i'm situated in the passenger's side of the car, because i have a better view and there's no steering wheel for my laptop to fight.

here's why.

obviously, it's been a hard few weeks for me. but i'm learning that amidst trials, to not stifle the sunshine spots that come along the way. 

literally. 

because here's what i'm experiencing from inside my car (in the order of which i'm noticing them from this point on): 

raindrops on the windshield and windows 

fog on the windows, thanks to my malfunctioning defroster

a hilly road ahead

an orchard on the left

with the skeleton of an old barn

an old neighborhood on the right

and chris martin is crooning "everything's not lost".

the driver's side window is down; i smell rain. walking to my car about half an hour ago, i discovered my new favorite smell: rain and campfire smoke. it wafted by only briefly, a moment or two; that's all it took. done. new favorite.

the air is slightly cool and completely clear. still smells of fresh rain. it's perfect. 

a guy just passed me on his run. he has huge headphones; i wonder what he's listening to. 

good for him! gosh, what i wouldn't give to go running right now. 

the sun is thinking about setting. but not yet. it's stunning. it's in the southwestern sky, completely diffused by clouds, however still super white and completely radiant. white light, not yellow. makes me wonder if this is a similar light quality as in joseph's vision. there are no traces of the mountains -- the mist completely covers them. for all i know, it's the inversion, but it's beautiful and i honestly don't care. it feels so fresh here.  

the gradient in the valley is super subtle: a beautiful light blue into gray into white and there are some yellowish tones above; the warms mixing with cools make it exquisite. 

cars pass here and there. it's nice to listen to them come and go. 

i love how the bare trees of this orchard across the way look: so stark and sharp, backdropped against the silky smooth sky. 

"life in technicolor"…love this song. brings back happy memories.

sun just broke through the clouds and now it's in my eyes. i'm not moving. nope, not one bit. i love the feel of sun on my face, even if it's direct sunlight.

this documentation doesn't do justice to any of this, but it's the only way i can share it, since no one is here to share it with me. which usually feels a little bittersweet. but gratefully, not as much this time. 

oh, coldplay….

it's interesting to feel the sun dim and re-light my face. 

speaking of my face, i just noticed its reflection on my computer screen; I didn't realize i'm half-smiling. a smirk, kind of. this is just a really nice place to be. 

yes. this one. 

the sun is back to being radiant and bright, creating an amazing looking rim-light on the bare trees. 

  

my fingers are cold. coldish. but it feels good and i like the clicking sound of typing, juxtaposed with the cars passing, the music playing, and the feel of the bass on the ground for my feet to enjoy.

aaand the perfect song to end my documentation by….

"a rainy day comes round, sometimes i just want it to slow down…"

anyway. wish you were here. 

seriously. 

postscript: 

as i pulled in my driveway, i looked up and saw one single bird silhouetted on the wire against the deep blue sky above my house to greet me. thinking of the original song i'd heard that propelled me to drive on, i grinned and thought this rather fitting to end my little afternoon jaunt. 

and then to my dismay

on saturday afternoon, jeff put it perfectly: it's as if there are so many thoughts trying to crowd onto the stage of my mind, that they're all just crammed in the wings so none of them even stand a chance of debuting on stage.

i was planning on articulating some thoughts over chocolate, which usually works, but the words didn't form like they usually do. so it was a more silent, photography-filled chocolate this time around.

and the cazookie was ridiculously tasty.

but i left with still too many thoughts and not enough thought-space in my head, with no pensieve in sight.

that night i was still meh-feeling and made a last-minute decision to attend a concert. that's where things changed. it was as if i'd given these bands all of my unorganized thought fragments -- of confusion, joy, worry, ache, melancholy, excitement, grief, wonder -- and asked them to process and synthesize them for me. and then, if they would, to please spit them back out into something beautiful. 

and they did. without me even asking.

even now, i'm still reflecting upon and soaking in the after-goodness.

chocolate photos are unedited and were shot on jeff's amazing canon powershot s90, which is rad.

concert details to come later. be very excited. 

x and y

i was too preoccupied at work to focus today, so i got up in search of food, attempting to clear my head. as i detoured through a building on the way back to work, i passed a set of stairs leading from the basement to the floor i was walking on. my thoughts were interrupted by the sound of tiny feet scuttling quickly up the stairs, and a little boy's squeaky voice exclaim, completely triumphant: "yaaay! we found a way out of here!"

i felt a hint of a smile cross my otherwise concentrated face and i slowed my hurried pace to listen. a little girl was equally enthusiastic (and her voice was equally squeaky): "yeah! let's go!"

then i heard a pause, and the pitter-pattering of the adventurers' feet came to a halt. the obvious dismay in the small boy's inquiry made me grin.

"...which way should we go now?!"

i glanced behind me and saw the two of them, pint-sized explorers, right after they ascended the stairs. they were looking this way and that, presented with many more options: four directions leading outside, more stairs in front of them to the next level, and classroom doors all around. it's a confusing building to anyone; it must have looked extra ominous to little'uns who are three feet tall. their dad came up behind them and i assume he helped guide them out the doors, but my back was turned as i reluctantly passed through the other doors headed to my building.

funny how the excitement from conquering one adventure can be short-lived as it often leads to many more options (which can be equally confusing).

i don't know which way either, kid. just keep walkin, i guess. you'll figure it out eventually. at least, that's what i'm hoping.

see the lovely.

as i alluded in my last post, this has uncharacteristically been a really hard year for me to "feel" Christmas.

this morning, i woke up feeling a bit sick and was running extremely late to work. but as i drove, i saw a lady on the side of the road with a sign that said "tamales, $1" on it.

i thought to myself, ah, i wish i could but i'm already running so late... then i realized that i might not see her again, as i'd usually already be at work by that time. and then it struck me what that thought implied: i was in my car. was on my way to work. to sit in a comfy (and might i add, bouncy) chair in a nicely heated room in front of an expensive computer to make a decent chunk of money by designing cool-looking things.

i abruptly turned left onto a side road. i pulled over and checked my wallet. the only cash i had was my $2 bill. i felt like it would be kind of odd, giving her a $2 bill... shoot, i thought, well maybe i can get some cash and come by again when i don't work on friday....

so i pulled out to turn left to continue to work, when it donned on me -- duh, kristin. a $2 bill is still legitimate money. i turned right and pulled into the street next to where she was standing. as i approached her, she saw me and turned, putting her sign down. she was a sweet, tiny lady with a pure face.

as we greeted each other, her face honestly just completely lit up. i couldn't believe how happy she was that i was buying one little tamale. she had a happy, almost singsongy voice, with an innocent little girl quality. she spoke to me in spanish, which i understood, as i pulled out my 3 years of rusty high school spanish from the back of my brain in an attempted response. regardless, it didn't matter what language we spoke -- we didn't need to communicate with words to make each other's day. i bought my tamale, explaining that i needed no change, thanked her, and we parted.

***

right before i saw her, i had passed a cement barrier on the side of the road, where someone had pinned a series of pieces of paper in a line. on each paper there was a letter. the letters created the simple phrase "see the lovely."

right as i drove away, "where are you Christmas" came on the radio. yeah, it can be pretty overdone, but this time i think i heard it differently. i couldn't believe that i had tears in my eyes, but it was because that song embodied exactly just how i've been feeling this season. and then i paid attention to the last verse. and in the light of the experience i just had……

yeah.

cartoon heart

this past weekend, my sanity came in the form of three very important and traditional holiday events, plus one other that was just plain fun.

friday was festivus.  saturday was muppets and nog.  sunday was caroling.  monday was tangled.

f e s t i v u s : :
"festivus for the rest of us!" you can read all about what wikipedia has to say about it here. basically, it's a made-up holiday from seinfeld (though i believe it's the only seinfeld episode i've ever seen) including a feast, a festivus pole instead of a Christmas tree, an "airing of grievances", and a "feats of strength" --where anyone can challenge anyone else to any sort of feat of strength. the party doesn't end til the host gets pinned.

a buncha "cool kids" started hosting their own festivus in high school, but i didn't know them well enough to feel like i could go.

since talisa is always one of the hostesses, i started attending festivus along with her her other parties during my college years (because we've been super close friends since we were...6 years old) and have gotten to know my old classmates in a different light, sans-high school clique. and i have come to really love and care about these people, so it makes it awesome. plus, we've gained a lot more friends along the way from all sorts of places.

the festivus bunch, 2011

f e s t i v u s    h i g h l i g h t s:
- grievances (often a highlight) -- i grieved that we didn't do festivus in sweden where talisa is. the grievance i read said "i grieve that some of you didn't dress up -- and in the presence of the festivus pole, no less!"
- everyone always looks so darn swanky.
- the inside jokes that form over the years. this round, i think about 3 people grieved over luke's mustache from last year, and he wasn't even there. so another grieved that he wasn't there this time so that they couldn't even give him grief about it.
- redeeming my dignity by winning a feats of strength of balance (after losing to britta last year...who needs to know how to blow a kazoo anyway?!....)
- so much cute offspring from my classmates! (many of whom ended up marrying each other, which is kinda fantastic)
- ...aaaand the after-party. this was honestly the best. i caught up with some friends with whom i've not really talked to for quite some time. for me, that was the best part of festivus this year. i really walked out on a high. i'm so blessed to have long-time friends!

provo high : class of '06

m u p p e t s  +  n o g .
"there's no such thing as strangers, when a stranger says hello!" when jeff lived in utah, he had a "muppet Christmas carol" and homemade eggnog party every year. since he's moved to texas, he's still been able to pull it off when he visits utah. it's cool, cuz jeff's the only common denominator between all of us. it's amazing what one person can do to glue lots of other people together. forgive me for deferring to his blog for this one, but he really sorta nailed it.

we found mark's face!

adding my two cents: this was a welcome relief to a really long and kind of disheartening day. and it really was one of my favorite muppet parties so far.

 c a r o l i n g ! 
"the best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear!" my family has hosted an annual caroling party for the past...21 years. give or take.

t h i s    y e a r ' s    n o r m a l i t i e s :
- met at 5pm
- everyone introduced themselves, how they knew us and how many years they've come to this tradition
- there were about 70 people this year, which was a good group (we've ranged from 25-90)
- headed out around 5:30 after gaining confidence by singing around the piano

- caroled  for about 45 minutes. and here's the cool thing -- we often carol to those who are sick, in need, or older in our neighborhood. we even have "regulars" to whom we carol :)
- when thoroughly frozen, we came back home to dethaw

- ...and ate and ate and ate. including my mom's famous cider stuff.
- and the after-party. they really are the best.

t h i s    y e a r ' s    a n o m a l i e s : 

- i decorated the tree the HOUR before it began. by myself. and i did most the lights while on the phone. boo-yah.

- it was lots of people's "first time" to caroling. ironically, many of these people i've known for multiple years (and others came who have been coming for literally more than 17 years!)
- jessicabarry (and talisa) and i were inseperable growing up and she finally made it to caroling. it was fun because after we caroled this year, jessica and i were able to talk with the older residents we caroled to and i realized how many wonderful memories i've had with these people.
- papa joe accompanied us on guitar. he and mama haynie are like my second parents. 
- the "married person" room. :D my brother kevin and his wife debbie, logan and tricia, murph and laura....what?! they were all in conversation for quite some time. for some reason, it was a little funny. weird. but cool. but weird. .......but cool.

like jeff is the glue for his party, i was the glue for caroling. i love having all my friends from different aspects of my life meet each other. gosh, it's a wonderful feeling.

....

i was sad not to get any pictures of the group this time around, however, i guess that's okay because we did catch the sweetest part of the night:

floyd + simon = roommates / buddies / our examples.

floyd and simon continually teach us what Christmas really is all about. as we were watching this sweet correspondence, britta leaned over and whispered, "i'm excited to see what they're like in heaven. best friends and all." and that was a lovely thought.

t a n g l e d ~
"stuck in the same place i've always been, wondering when will my life begin?" until last night, my teacher for this animation class, cynthia hogan, had never seen 'tangled'! so she very kindly invited all her classes over to her house to watch it. pizza and brownies were provided, as well as chocolate milk, so it was all sorts of guilty indulgement.

i really love hanging out with animators. there's such a vitality amidst them. and i super loved watching the movie with them -- i felt like we were all so much more into it than other groups with whom i've seen it.

c o n v e r s a t i o n    b i t :
...*SPOILER* (but honestly, if you haven't seen it by now, ...i doubt you care that this will spoil it?) -- one of my favorite parts was toward the end of the movie, when rapunzel's parents come out and see her for the first time. it was a super tender moment, but this is what made it awesome: scott commented aloud, "is it bad that all i can think of is, 'man, the rigs of those parents must be so much easier than the other characters!....' ?" we all chuckled, then cynthia retorted with, "well i'm sitting over here thinking, 'you can't marry him anyway -- he's not a prince!!" and everyone just busted up laughing. and even more so when scott responded with, "well, is he sultan or is he sultan?!!" -- quoting the end of aladdin where a similar circumstance occurs. which is extra funny, because cynthia actually animated the sultan in aladdin. the whole movie was riddled with exchanges like this between us (which honestly sometimes frustrates me, but not at all with this group -- the comments were too witty to not share).

and, um...as much as i hate to admit this, watching tangled reminds me that the little girl who really wants to be a princess and have a fairy tale story is still somewhere inside of me. i feel like it should be something that i should grow out of, but uh, as of now....nope.

//

oh, good times. each of these groups of people were different, and all had unique and wonderful dynamics. bottom lines...in order:

bottom line #1 -- there wasn't anything fantastic about festivus -- just an aluminum pole and some awesome people. but it was such a fantastic night. we've grown up, branched out and have experienced life since high school. and the group has gotten so much more diversified because of friends of friends of friends who come (and that whole marriage thing) -- that we're an eclectic bunch. it really is, "for the rest of us"!

bottom line #2 -- it's fascinating what or who can bring people can together, and how often we can find a new friend when we go outside of our comfort zone. it all starts with a mere "hello".

bottom line #3 -- music is (to me) so essential! it can make me feel happy or sad...or terrible, or angsty, or hopeful, or grateful, or just plain peaceful. i feel like it speaks to all emotions that can't be expressed in plain words. (by the way, i'd still love to know what you're listening to!) whether one could sing or not was completely irrelevant at caroling -- everyone sang because it made us happy, and in turn made those to whom we sang happy as well.

bottom line #4 -- life has already begun, and if we wait too long for something to happen, we'll miss it! so stop wondering and make things happen. something so cliché, but i'm still learning how to apply it.

//

lastly, it's easy to get mixed up in the worries of life at this time of year. even for those of us who really revere Christmas and especially Christ. i hope we take time to really remember the meaning of it all -- and especially what it means to us. i started wondering, what does it mean to me, individually? right now? and is that consistent with what i think it should mean to me? if not, i need to do something to change it. 

let's be like simon and floyd. let's be excellent. :)