woodkid

my brain is usually buzzing with thoughts.
but tonight, i'm just sitting on my porch.

the thoughts are definitely there, but the faucet is turned off.
and i don't think i really want to turn it on.

just wanted to stop in and say hi, because i have started to make this space mine again.
i like that feeling.

i also wanted an excuse to stay on my porch a bit longer
and feel the breeze--much stronger tonight--tousle my hair and play with my clothes.

i like feeling my strength against it,
(even if my strength is nothing more than simply being a solid mass doing nothing other than sitting)
just to test it.

feel the cold rush over me again

preoccupied, i drove home tonight.
it had been a good night, but left alone with my thoughts,
my mind reverted back into troubling situations and unanswered questions.

my window was down and my left arm was characteristically hanging out the window;
a favorite local band was humming through my speakers.
i was on auto-pilot; i hardly noticed as i maneuvered the stoplights on the near-empty streets.

about halfway home, i noticed the breeze.
it was creeping over my left forearm, soft and warm as it danced across my arm into the car.
and then in noticed the song playing from the cd.
i loved this song.

then i realized that i wasn't fully appreciating the amazingly warm air this night had to offer:
it had tried, but i had pushed it aside. i specifically noticed it now, and it felt amazing.
i even opened the sunroof and let more in.
gosh, i love feeling warm summer nights.

that's when i realized: these are all things i enjoy.
things i really enjoy.

night driving. summer nights. warm breeze. this song. singing.

...singing. i wasn't doing that, but i could.
i turned up the music and i remedied that.
and i sang loudly. from my soul, it seemed.

and i wondered how many perfect moments like that slip by without me noticing.
so i passed my street and took a long way home.
almost to apologize to a few of those moments,
and perhaps to make something up to them in some small way in promising to notice more of them.
starting now.

thinkspace

it's been so long since i've written consistently here.

i want to reclaim it.

i feel like i've scattered my thoughts across the minds of others recently.
i'm guessing you could bet: i'm a very open person.
but in some ways it's terrifying.

i still need this space,
to gather my thoughts like cards--
scoop them all up and deal them out
just to see what hand i have.

(which is funny because i rarely play card games)

but it's true because when you're dealt cards, you know you have cards. you see them physically in your hands. they're tangible. but only when you really turn your cards over do you see what's revealed.

thoughts can be thick and at times almost palpable.
and recently i've had a good amount of them.

but instead of writing,
i've dealt them to others.

and not just one person
and actually, not just a few trusted best friends.

recently, i've been talking with new friends as well.
new people i've let into my life,
and given some of my most favorite thoughts,
my cards.

i hope they hold them close.

***

i guess that's another aspect of vulnerability i'm discovering.

in vulnerability you open up, yes.
but being vulnerable here on my blog, at least i can sign my name to it.
i can go back and reference anything i've written or released.
i can even delete if i want to
(which i don't think i've really ever done, but it's a safety blanket knowing i can).

in conversations, i can't.
in conversations, it's out in the open air, never to be reclaimed
unless i later intentionally reclaim it.

but then again, i don't even remember all that i've released to someone else's ears...
ears/mind/heart?

it's a tricky thing, connecting with people.

but then again, that's the whole point.
so i guess i'm okay, having spoken
and not written
for so long.

but still,
i miss this space.

and i am going to reclaim it,
for me, really.

plan b

sometimes life gets a little tricky.
so you plan to secretly take a little weekend trip.
just to run away for a minute to breathe.
then you realize that your niece has a dance recital that weekend.

so you go to that instead,
which is completely worth it.

but as you watch her,
(realizing that at one point she was a cute little girl dancer
and has since matured into a mature, beautiful, incredible dancer)
you ache for that dancer inside of you who never got recognized.
that one that was always there but never quite got her chance.

so later that night, after not having an outlet for so long,
you realize you probably danced when you were 2.
and again, probably, when you were 6.
and times between when you were 6 and now,
so then you think, why not when you are 26?

so then you don your old, worn jazz shoes,
and pretend that your toe isn't broken for a second,
or that your leg injuries aren't there for a minute.
and you turn the lights low
and you just dance.
probably to something like this.

cuz it just feels right.
you know?
i mean, hypothetically of course.

one sticker, please

my head is so achey and i don't know how i will conquer tomorrow.

then again, i didn't know how i was gonna conquer today,
but it happened.
so there.

in my basement

i have been dragging my feet on grading these midterms because i despise grading.

it's taken me pulling my own teeth to get me down to this basement. 

but now that i'm here, i'm just like, waaaaait a minute. 

i do you know what i love? 

i love figure drawing. 

and do you know what else i love? 

teaching. 

and do you know what else i love? 

people. 

GUESS WHAT I GET TO DO. 

i get to teach figure drawing to people. 

i get to inspire others and show them how to do one of the most difficult and complicated and foundational processes of art -- and i get to be the one to believe in them. i get to be the one to say, hey. you can do this. and here's how. and that's pretty freaking rad.

so you know what? i'm happy to be in my basement.

roles

just when i think i have it all together,

i sorta lose it again. 

these next/last few days (weeks? months? time eludes me...) have been really crazy. 

and then i wonder, has there been a time in my life i haven't claimed that?

and under my jaunty smile, 

i frown a little. 

is that okay? 

i don't know. 

i was thinking about it just now as i'm late to sit in on another professor's figure drawing class

(have i told this blog that i'm teaching figure drawing this semester at my old university?)

and i was like...wow. i need to switch roles a lot faster these days. 

well, switch mindsets. 

yesterday i needed to be a full-time daughter. that isn't required often of my gracious mother but yesterday it needed to happen. and i'm grateful things are okay.

but today i'm a little stressed about beginning the anatomy unit in my figure drawing class. and my students' midterms are today. so today: full-time instructor. focus on that all day. til after class when i have another commitment. 

and then tomorrow, full-time instructor as i figure out how i'm going to teach the provo art club head drawing. 

and grade my students' midterms. 

and tomorrow night, i'll be a recipient of someone else's art. a concert attendee. hopefully. and hopefully that'll fill my well a bit....and won't leave me too sad. 

the next day? art instructor again. to teach the art club. 

and after that: photographer. photoshoot. stoked about that. but a tad rusty. hoping that the photoshoot i did a few weeks ago will energize that. 

and after that: another social commitment. 

and then monday: work on graphic design project. in fact, all week: toggle between roles of graphic designer for two graphic design projects and figure drawing instructor for again--hardest subject to simplify: anatomy. 

all of this, tring to clear my schedule so that i can be an "artist" -- the painting and drawing kind, since i have the privilege of being in the beehive bazaar and 75% of my stock needs to be original artwork ready to sell. most of which i have yet to  create. 

and um...i have carpal tunnel and tendinitis in both wrists. so i have to make sure i don't overdo it. 

and i'd really like to do music again. that's pulling at me. there's an opportunity to perform a little thing on march 21 (the same day i substitute teach a 6-hour long figure drawing class). 

also there are social things i flit between too. 

you know. 

that's normal, right? 

i'm feeling very incapable of being normal sometimes. 

and simplicity.

such a beautiful concept that somehow always eludes me.

{via here}

...artist: amiright?

maybe i can simplify my artistic life at least. 

if not in the jobs, 

the job descriptions? 

so it's sort of like i switch between things, especially in the artistic sense so fast: artist/art instructor/different kind of art instructor/graphic designer/photographer/back to designer.....and i'm just thinking: perhaps i need to just start to consider myself as a "creator". with different mediums. would that simplify the thought process? 

lemme try.....

hey. i'm kristin.

i create things. 

some days with charcoal, some days with nupastel, others with paint....

yeah. that sounds good. 

so this week, up on the dock, starting today it goes like this:

i    w i l l    c r e a t e    w i t h :

thursday-- food (breakfast), written words (this post), conte (practice), the copy machine (lessonplan),  energy / spoken words / conte (my classroom)

friday-- conte (practice), creativity (lesson plan)

saturday-- spoken words / conte, colored pencils, (art club lesson), camera (photoshoot) 

monday-- lightroom (photo editing), adobe suite (junta project), adobe suite (bom zine project), etc etc....

see, even that is way more complicated than it needs to be. and this post went on a free ramble way longer than i originally intended. and i'm not even gonna go back up and read it before i publish. bad idea? probably. but hey, at least it's something. 

take that, perfectionism. 

simplicity...i'll get back to you later.