shorthand

in the past i have been incredibly good at record keeping. mainly because of a challenge my dad gave to me when i was in 6th grade, but that's not really what this post is about.

i've not been keeping a regular journal for over a year now and that's the first time since i was 12 this has happened. it's easy to slip out of habits you work so hard for, which is why the reason of such habits is so good to remember. again, this isn't today's point.

the point is, i'm exhausted. i feel like i have so much on my mind that even considering the task of putting a pile of words down and sculpting them into precise representations of abstract and complex feelings, which i have historically loved, feels like daunting. and feeling responsible for what seem to be lost memories seems haunting. especially when circumstances and feelings and thoughts come so quickly and change so suddenly. daunting and haunting.

that being said, well, read that again. did you catch the irony? meta-recording here.

i guess that's why sometimes i just have to write or record in shorthand. resort to looking at texts, emails, calendars, etc. to remember what goes on in my day-to-day life, because as seemingly insignificant as days are, they make up our weeks and months and lives. so day to day stuff is pretty important to me as a whole.

this sort of shorthand might not make sense to anyone else but sometimes that's okay. like today's for instance. today feels like window; i hope that tomorrow is thule.

come, listen to a prophet's voice!

did you know.....

{via here}

i've been so busy lately, but there is nothing that will bring me more lasting peace, happiness, and understanding, than listening to all the sessions of conference this weekend.

i know this, because i've been doing it twice a year for 25 years. ;)

wanna try it out? from lds.org: [conference is] held Saturdays and Sundays (today and tomorrow!!) at 10:00 a.m. and 2:00 p.m. mountain time. For the April 2013 conference, the President of the Church, Thomas S. Monson, will be speaking during the Sunday morning session at 10:00 a.m. MDT on April 7.

hypothetically speaking

you know those days when you wake up as early as you can (sometimes it's eeearly...but sometimes it's 8) and end up having a really good scripture study which sets your day off nicely? and then you get ready and go to a cafe and work on that project that's due that day but then you are incredibly focused which is awesome?

and then your friend comes to visit you at that cafe to pick up girl scout cookies he bought from your niece and you talk with him while you work and it's a really cool conversation but you're still super focused on work so it's like hitting two birds with one stone?

and then he leaves and you continue working and then stu maxfield ends up having lunch at the next table and you think "man, i grew up in a cool town and so many people don't even know how much talent and energy there is here just walkin' around eating lunch at places" but you don't say hi cuz you're super focused and you feel like he should be able to get his alone time with his food and then you keep working real hard on that project? oh oh and then you have to go to the bathroom a few times but you manage to not get your stuff stolen through various tactics, and you faintly notice you've gone through the same spotify playlist like 3 times over so you change it and your back and neck is absolutely on fire since you've been in the same position all day? but all this happened cuz you had incredible focus that was totally a blessing?

aaaaaand then you finish the project but you've been working on it for so long that you can't hardly believe it's finished? and you know that it really isn't finished because there are tweaks to be done but it's at least finished enough to present to your client who lives in egypt so he'd get in the next morning anyway? and then your boyfriend comes and is super interested in what you have been working on and validates you and you're reminded that even if your client hates it (even though your client is also super awesome), at least other people like the work you've been doing and then you eat food cuz by this point it's like 5pm and you're staaaarrrrrrrving but you're still in the mindset that this is lunchtime because you didn't eat lunch? but then the food is delicious?! especially after going on a short walk around the block because you can FINALLY see the sun and it's not freezing?!

and then a small kid comes up to your table and gives you a little toy heart and then you realize you actually know this kid and you look around frantically until you see two of your friends who married each other and made that kid, laughing at you in the corner?! remember how hilarious that is?

AND THEN you get up the courage to hit the "send" button to your client?! remember that?! eeeeeeeeeeee!

and then you run an errand and your boyfriend is super chill and all like "yeah i'll come to your fhe and also do yoga meditation with you" and then he does and he totally owns the fhe game that they are playing? and then you pick up your other super awesome friend and meditation is sort of weird but also really good and then you all go for delicious hot chocolate and cider? and then you and your boyfriend pick something up from your old art studio and then go to your home and have a really good talk and then some interesting conversation about snowboarding and then an cool discussion on your respective fears regarding extreme sports and then a good heart to heart and then laugh and are silly and goofy? and he leaves you super happy and then you check your email even though you told yourself you wouldn't cuz you wanted to sleep peacefully even if your client hates the stuff you made and says you need to start over but then you see the email that your client says and he totally digs the work you did?!

HUZZAH!

i mean, it's not like i'd ever really have a day exactly like this, but today was, well, you know. kind of along those vague lines. :)

begin it well and serenely

i took myself out for a date this morning. 

it included early morning scripture study, extremely focused yoga, good cruising music and breakfast at a favorite bookstore so i can hopefully work happily on a somewhat stressful yet hopefully rewarding project (with deadline of, oh, monday).

i even slurped my smoothie a little bit. and wrote my to-do list on a napkin.

i feel good about this plan. 

we're dug in deep, the price is steep

“courage doesn't always roar. sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "i will try again tomorrow.”*

i mean...right?

--

i'm also contemplating one of my own paintings tonight, which might seem kind of odd and maybe a little pretentious. but i think one of the reasons i was made to make art is to learn from it later.

 

(*quote by mary anne radmacher)

it was the cello, probably

it's beautiful to watch someone discover something for the first time. to watch their curiosity and their mistakes and their quiet little discoveries.

to anyone's heart, really

dear heart,

in your life so far, you have felt an abundance of emotions. you have felt exquisite joy; you have felt terrible loneliness. you've felt twitterpated, giddy, sweeping emotions, and you've felt angst and anxiety and difficult depression.

you've loved and lost, and you've loved again. in lots of different ways and times and for lots of different reasons. and sometimes it's love that makes sense and sometimes it isn't.

sometimes you are injured and don't even know why. and sometimes it takes a long time for you to heal.

but i just wanted to let you know: all of these things you have and will and feel right now are all part of the package this life came with. and through all of it (and i mean all of it), you are becoming more full.

but i just wanted to remind you that in whatever state you're in, you're doing just fine.

sincerely,
the rest of yourself.

ps, 

“be soft. do not let the world make you hard. do not let pain make you hate. do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.” -kurt vonnegut