inktober 20

i've been pretty faithful to inktober lately, even though i've not been posting on my fb/blog/insta. 

usually i draw something in ink right before i go to bed. as per inktober's rules, the things i make are always in ink.

but tonight, well...this morning, i'm opting to make something in digital ink...in words. i've forgotten that words and art are almost interchangeable and both necessary for me. 


recently i've worked a lot.
too much.
it comes with a high price of stress
so that today, when i was supposed to have a day off
(but worked 5.5 hours anyway),
i almost felt guilty for leaving to have fun.

and i recognized that as unhealthy.

so i specifically made sure i carried out all my "fun" plans today,
as more of a mental health requisite than a reckless day off.


it was a day of many outfits, including --

houndstooth tunic and black jeans,
a leather riding jacket with armor included,
double sweater combo with a leather jacket from mexico and boots
shiny skirt, and a mask from venice (and hair piece from mexico)

and a day of many activities, including --

a walk to sodalicious with coworkers to celebrate two deadlines accomplished
a journey up the canyon on one of my favorite modes of transportation
a trip into a corn field to wander around for an hour
a balloon-infested, cheesecake celebration: masquerade style

and some thoughts.
including --

there's something important about bonding over the small things. even if it is soda.
those mountains have secrets within their crevices. there are hidden views and secret vistas. some only visible for a split second when one or two are speeding by...and only if one is looking for them
fun can be made anywhere. also, even if you can't seem to find the end of a maze, at least you're building endurance and patience. maybe the end isn't as important as we think it is.
and that mask.

i miss the real one back in venice,
and that time my brother and i chased it.



playing with blocks again

it's been a long time since i've stood,
Girl Against Mountain.

it's been a long time since i've explored new roads
but only in a very literal way.

it's been a long time since i've written
well, like this.

it all feels new and vulnerable.
yet very familiar.

so tonight,
i wrote like this.

drove til successfully lost. hit a dead end, turned around,
was chagrined to stumble onto a familiar street (it meant i'd been here before)

and stood against the mountain.
and though the wind didn't threaten to push me over, the rain came.

9.30.14 // 


before it grows too late

the following: a facebook status i posted that i need to remember. with a few extras because this is my little corner. 

here’s a healthy dose of vulnerability and some truth.

i went to the relief society #womensmeeting preoccupied and anxiety-filled. not wanting to talk with anyone, i sat in the corner hoping not to be noticed. because of my stubborn and introverted mindset, i was a lot more focused on what was happening. i listened and felt. and as i sat there, it was like my cup drained of its worries and filled with hope and direction. my cheeks were completely wet and i was vaguely grateful i decided against makeup today. i still have all the same problems, but somehow things are manageable. i don’t know how that works, but i just know it does. with God, all things are possible.

we don’t earn His love; we couldn’t even if we tried. but it is there, just waiting for us to recognize it. and when we do, my…it’s a powerful feeling. i am important. you are important. we each have a work to do and it is important to God that we are successful. our victories are important to him, no matter how small they may be.

please, please—no matter who you are: make it a priority to watch LDS general conference this coming weekend. we have a good long week to prepare. he’s just waiting to give us what we need to hear, as long as we’re seeking for it with an open heart. i just want everyone to experience what i did tonight, because it felt so good. so personal.

“lead me, guide me, walk beside me…
help me find the way."


let the evening go

i was looking through old pictures a few nights ago. 

2007 //

~ 3.26.2008 //

11.22.08 // 
[honorable mention]

8.26.10 //

7.1.11 //

 11.11 //

9.11.13 // 5.22.14 // 6.8.14

9.17.14 // (etc, tbd)



i'm in a weird mood. 

and honestly, it's lasted for longer than a night or two. 
i think i'm just in a weird spot in life. 

sometimes i just feel sad about certain things. 
but these things are hard to put my finger on, hard to fix. 
and so, hard to feel. 
but when i do feel it, it's a specific and peculiar sort of Sad.

so then it's the battle of letting myself feel (somewhat irrationally, which annoys my logic) or becoming numb. 
usually vacillating between the two. 

enough of that vulnerability for now.  


today is september 11. 

i got up at 5:20 to go running with a friend. 
who knew that hour still even existed?! 

anyway. it does. 
that, with its accompanying happy little circumstances, started my day off well. 

slowly, my body started to rebel and my latent knee injury awoke and reared it's angry, groggy head. and then my head felt like it was a good day to get a migraine, probably because it's most wonderfully inconvenient when i have a pretty intense deadline (which i miraculously hit today). 

this isn't supposed to be a log of my daily events. 

point is, i ended up more subdued than i was this morning. 
still in a good mood, just physically not feeling great. 

now i'm just sitting here (i cancelled my plans tonight due to said migraine), 
and i decided i'd like a new cover photo for facebook. 

i started looking through my italy pictures...
then through my mexico pictures. 

with a spotify playlist on shuffle, 
music gently filled my head as i perused. 
it had been a while since i've looked through either of these sets of photos.
and slowly, i started to feel the Sad creep in. 

it's not necessarily a depressed sort of sad. 
it's just a sad sort of Sad. 
it could definitely lead to the depressed sort of ad, but innately, it's just its own Sad. 
a more flavorful sort of melancholy maybe? 
a respectful slow ache aching for the past. 

and i thought again of september 11.

i saw the hashtag trending today, #neverforget. 

i think that's really powerful. 

september 11 was and is incredibly important to me. 

but i also realized that sometimes we only intentionally take time to remember the more obvious events in history, and we usually wait for holidays to remind us. 

looking through these photos, it just hit me that it's necessary, sometimes vital--to reflect and remember the really September Elevens of our personal lives. and also to remember our own Independence Days. our deepest heartbreaks and our greatest victories, because they're part of the same experience. 

it's easier to remember the good things, but sometimes we don't intentionally reflect on them. i think maybe i should, more. and then also the times that have been really hard. and by hard, i mean Hard. it's really important to understand where our growth has come from, and also where our calluses and scars lay, so we're at least aware of them and can start to help them heal if they/we need to. 

last night i went to a meditation class and our teacher just had us sit there for 30 minutes, just breathing in silence, observing our thoughts at a distance. we really had to just sit and face ourselves. it was...hard.  

as we remember our personal gethsemenes and our greatest victories, we more fully realize who we are and where we came from. and hopefully that can steer us into where we're going. the past is a part of us and always will be, though it doesn't have to define the future. 

i'm not trying to say live in the past, but out of respect for what these experiences have done for us and how they've shaped us -- those lessons we must #neverforget. 


this outfit worked

a continuation from the last....

tonight, on the other hand,
i felt so very alive.

it started out with a really good night drive to a music night, 
and discovered so many friends there that i just really like a whole bunch. 

and it ended with a dance after-party. 
a really, really good dance after-party. 

and i felt so very much myself, 
dancing with those people down in that happy basement. 

i have no idea what i looked like, 
(in fact, i feel i may have looked ridiculous at times 
and potentially physically terrible by the end) 
but that's what fit me best tonight.

and i wouldn't have worn anything different.


fitting & blowing

ah, a morning post. these don't often occur....

it took me an extra long time to get ready this morning.
see, fridays are a little different for my schedule.
and on this particular day, i am going to go to work, work on things, work on freelance things, head to my mentorship, and maybe do a really great art project (film/photography) tonight in a really cool location.

so naturally, my mind is already skipping over the first four things and it's in that art project;
it's at that location.
which is completely dissonant with the sunny day that seems to be unfolding outside.
the location, the thoughts, the concept, the look and feel--are all more pensive.
not depressed, but contemplative.

and because of that, nothing fit today as i was hurriedly putting on an outfit.
not because my clothes didn't physically fit.
but nothing fit how i was feeling.
and my hair, too.
i couldn't really do it in a way that reflected how i want it to be.
i don't really know how i want it to be.

and then i was like,
oh man.
i'm turning into THAT kind of artist.

but at the same time,
i knew i'm not that incredibly finicky,
so i tried to get to the root of it.

i had a good phone conversation with my sister last night.
one of those heart-to-hearts,
a cleansing, tearful, grateful conversation.
i think it opened a lot of things up in me.
possibilities that i had shut out were open again
and fears i had held up in front of me were torn down.

so this morning, i just really couldn't get over my outfit dilemma for a solid few minutes:
why didn't anything feel right today?
why didn't any of the clothes i wear...make sense?
then i had a subtle uncomfortable realization:
perhaps i don't feel comfortable in my own skin.
a little bit.

and no outfit in my closet will fix that.

so i just realized that i'm really antsy with some aspects of my life.
i feel like the winds of change are coming.
or they want to come, but are sort of suspended on their course, in mid-air,
waiting for me to beckon them in.

so if they aren't coming,
perhaps i'll blow my own wind and make them come.