aftermath

exhaustion.

i don't want to sleep.
i desperately need to.
i'm exhausted.

in so many ways that i can't even process it all.

but things are so close to the surface.
and sleep is like a division.
it closes one day and starts a new one.
the next day will come but it's like sleep is consciously accepting that, you know?

and tonight came so fast.

i've been alone with my art for so long.
so, so long.
just hours in my basement, painting.
thinking. feeling. crying, sometimes, honestly. praying.
it's been pretty soul-wrenching at times.
goodness, i know i'm tired because my emotional guard is down for me to actually type this. and pause and blink and not delete it and barrel on like a train through some dark tunnel.
but this has been the most honest, heartfelt show i have put on since my bfa show.

it was all i had.
i unabashedly loved every piece i made.
i am proud of what i put on display.

and then i showed it...
and three hours later opening night was done.
done!
done?

it just felt so short.
i mean the art is up until the 27th,
but i'm leaving town soon and so i won't even see it very much.

it was a relief tonight to find out that my work wasn't just selfish.
i had a few conversations where i learned more about some of my pieces
(i really like learning about my work from the insights of others).

it was nice to be surrounded with some people whom i really care about and love.
i was surprised to see some people whom i hadn't seen for quite some time.
it was lovely to be helped by a few angels whom i wasn't expecting
and by some i was.

i also missed some people.
i wanted some to be there that weren't.
i don't know why some didn't show
and i knew why others couldn't.

but it's done.
and now i'm sitting in the same place i have sat so many times in the past few weeks,
but it seems so cold.

i realize it's because my paintings are gone.
it feels sort of drafty.
which is weird because it's the exact same room
as it was before i started painting.

but after you create something and then take it away,
something in the atmostphere shifts
and you can't quite put your finger on it.

also, my van might have died tonight.
wouldn't even start after we tried to jump it.
so i'm sort of feeling the juxtaposition of a quick and mighty triumph
with the pang of an odd sort of loss.
with more subtle undertones wafting the scent of other losses.

so yeah.
weird feelings.
not sure what to think of things.
feeling lots of stuff.
feelings!
they don't mix well with sleep.

my soul feels like it should feel sort of patched up
because i just processed a hecka lotta stuff with art,
but instead it feels sorta patchy.

anyway.
new music time.

timpfest I: slo-cooker

for years, i've wanted to attend this event.

mainly because i was completely enamored with the painting on the poster, 

which i found out in later years was painted by james christensen,

"tales beneath timp" by james c. christensen

who initially stemmed my first love of art in 6th grade (or younger?), 

i believe, 

with this charming image.

but that's a different story. 

this story is from this past weekend. 

//

two of my friends were hired to record the timpanogos storytelling festival and make a professional-grade cd so that people could re-live the stories from the comfort of their living rooms.

as such, each friend was given an extra weekend pass to the festival. they offered one to me, which i gladly accepted.

i'd grown up close by but had never been to the event; i was excited that the opportunity was practically handed to me. we couldn't find anyone who could take the second ticket.

i figured i'd still go.
i'd heard a lot about the festival and expected a lot out of it, which is risky, because when expectations are set high,
they are given extra distance to fall.

well, this weekend happened to be super packed with various opportunities, including not one but three concerts i wanted to attend, my bfa project, and other personal goals that i was really determined to conquer.

thursday came.
i sort of got in a funk with my project.
tried to work on it;
did a meh- sortofa job.
kinda felt a funk comin' on like a bad cold.
that started to spiral down a tad, other things got caught in the...funk-web, for lack of better term, and pulled down with the rest of it.
so i gave up and went to the festival.

luckily, the thursday event was just an introduction to the storytellers, so they each performed a short set. pretty good. it was interesting how i could tell who i thought i'd resonate with more than others.

friday came.
definitely in a funk.
tried to work;
failed.
went to the festival.

and glad i did. there were a few speakers that just captivated me and i started to just let the stories come over me like waves. in fact, i was really glad i went alone, just so i could soak it up and do my thing without worrying about if whoever i was with was enjoying it (a tendency i often have).

some stories were light and airy and i didn't try to derive any other sort of meaning out of them. i laughed when i felt like it and i didn't when i didn't.

others had more to them. there were obvious morals and lessons.

yet other stories carried substance in layers, and so i could choose to peel back as many as i wanted to, and delve as deeply as i needed.

i think that last kind of story is often how stories happen in real life: we are given the onion and we choose how deep we're going to go.

...don't feel guilty for thinking of donkey's onion analogy in shrek. go ahead and quote that line in your head; i just did.

anyway, i quite enjoyed the freedom of going wherever i wanted to go, but with just enough pressure of making it worth my free ticket and my expensive time.

i figured i'd work half a day saturday so that i'd make up for time i didn't spend on my project on friday.  but it was going to be an impossibly busy day.

saturday came.
still in a funk.
tried to be productive;
failed.
did yoga,
gave up productivity,
went to the festival.

well, turns out that's all i really needed to do.
...more about that in an upcoming post.

but in short (or, main thought, i guess)---
inspiration is to be found everywhere.

i think i was secretly hoping, maybe expecting--that festival to
absolutely douse me with inspiration-kerosene
so that i could strike up a match of action
and toss it onto that inspiration
which would ignite a brilliant flame of creativity and direction,
so that i'd know how to carry out an overwhelming and daunting task of, say, a bfa final project.

but nope.
didn't do that.
instead,
it was like a slo-cooker.
ideas were tossed in here and there from different stories,
different personalities,
different perspectives,
different worlds--
and there they started to simmer.
in my thought-pot.

some stories sort of let me take off the lid of that pot
so that i could smell and almost see what was cooking,
and then i'd put the lid back on.

by the end of tonight,
boooooy did that stew start to smell good.

i sort of think that slo-cooking is a better way to go.
no one likes charred veggies anyway.

quiet place

i've mentioned before that i have had a bout with achilles tendinitis for the last few years.
now it seems that the rest of my body is following suit.
so, i decided to try a different route.
i've been seeing a muscle therapist for the last month.

it's interesting because he's takes more of a holistic approach.
he noted that:
i have tendinitis because one leg was shorter than the other,
so then my knee compensated,
then my right hip compensated,
then my back compensated.

so i've been treating the symptoms without treating the root of the problem.
i've been doing physical therapy, but without the muscles actually being in the right place in my body,
that's kind of like a band-aid rather than a cure.

the massage-esque treatment has been super painful, but i know it's worth it.
slowly, i feel my body becoming aligned again.

because our bodies are obviously affected with how we live our lives,
my muscle therapist asks me a lot about my personal life.
i don't tell him a ton of details, but he helps me understand how i deal with things
and in turn, how that affects my body.

did you know that the right side of your body is logic, and the left is emotional?
so i can tell where my stress is coming from based on which side of my body is more tense.

after both of the first two sessions, he asked me,
"are you a robot?"
"...no..?" i responded both times, both about like that.
"then don't walk like one!"

i've had to re-learn how to walk.
i've had to reset something i've been doing my whole life.

after the third session, he asked, "are you a train?"
"no."
i said it confidently this time, but with a hint of "?" apparent in my face.
"why?"
shoot. i wasn't sure how to respond.
"because a train must remain on its track. you, on the other hand, can move right or left. when you go to europe, if you plan on staying for two days in an area, but then you decide to stay another day, do it! that's okay. you are can go wherever you want. trains cannot."

i knew he wasn't just talking about physically, now.
i started to see what he meant.

today, he told me,
"make sure you keep hold of the stress out in front of you. don't let it consume you. i know that sometimes you can't help it, and it just comes over you [his hands motioned like a wave was washing over his head], but try to take hold of it and keep it in front of you rather than letting it become a part of you." he motioned as if he were grasping someone by the shoulders and holding them about two feet in front of him.

my pulsating headache has been my constant companion today.
so i liked that idea.

computer issues

i was suuuuper excited a couple of years ago when i got a new computer at work.

brand new shiny 27-inch imac.
fabulous.

nowadays, i still love it, and i'm excited to work when i see it,
but it's running slower. 

when i log on, it takes about 5 minutes to admit me onto my workspace

if it even lets me. 

today when this happened, i let out a sigh and my co-worker asked me what was wrong.

i told him that my computer was taking too long to start, and he said,

"what, you don't like it thinking?"

i responded, "it's fine if it thinks. but sometimes it thinks so much that it doesn't get anything done." 

and then i realized that i totally just described myself as of late. good thing my computer doesn't have a face, cuz it would have given me a look.

so i wondered why it's going so slowly.

there are a lot of programs on there and a whole buncha files.
there are duplicate versions of both programs and files that are unnecessary.
the rest of them need to be organized.
it needs to be re-imaged and given a fresh start,

for it to run at its optimum capacity.

don't mind me; i'm just getting reprimanded from inanimate objects again.
but the good news for me and my computer is that we know what's wrong; we can fix it.

two birds

being a holiday, this morning i got to have breakfast and an nice chat with my mom in our kitchen.

at one point, i went into the other room to get something.
when i came back, my mom pointed out an interesting phenomenon she'd been observing through the glass sliding door in our backyard:

there were two little robins, both scavenging for worms.
their approach was different than what we'd seen before
(our backyard is a popular place for robins)
-- the female plucked around where she was, but stayed patiently around the same area.
the male would hop around and find a worm, eat a bite, then hope over to give the rest to the female.

this had happened twice during my brief time in the other room.
how sweet, we thought.

i wanted to see it happen, but didn't have my contacts, so all i could see were two blurry shapes hopping around.
so i hurried to the bathroom to put them in.

when i came back, the two birds were still there.
i was excited to see this occurrence, but to my slight dismay it didn't happen for a while.

my mom had told me that it was awesome, though, so we sat together and stared out the window, following the birds with our eyes.
eventually, the male was so far away from the female that we had to adjust our positions to keep both in sight. i started to wonder if it would happen again.

finally, he found something, flew over to the female, and gave it to her.

i smiled.
seeing it was better than hearing about it.
it wasn't a big deal, but it was nice.
worth making the effort to put my contact in and see clearly, and worth the waiting.

hard drive

i just got home. i collapsed onto a stool at my kitchen table and opened my computer to check on some things. my home was completely silent, which was a nice change. eventually, i noticed my eyebrows were furrowed, bringing my attention to my subconscious, which was detecting an almost imperceptible whirring sound. i realized that it was trying to figure out what the sound was, which is why i couldn't be totally focused on what i was doing. funny how your brain and your thoughts can be two different places simultaneously.

when i realized this, i stopped typing, and almost like a cat poised to pounce, looked up and paused, giving the sound my full attention. after a bit i realized that the culprit was my external hard drive on the other end of the table. i squinted my eyes in confusion.

it was plugged into the wall, but not the computer.

that was odd.

i went over and yanked the plug out of the wall. then i cocked my head, eyebrows still knit and stared at the external hard drive, half in mild bewilderment and half in amusement.

as a gentle chastisement, i thought to it, why are you doing all that extra work? you're using so much energy churning your wheels just to churn them, but you're not even accomplishing what you're meant to do. you're plugged into the wall, working hard and getting hot over nothing, because your usb cord isn't even connected into a computer.

and it just stared back at me. if it had an eyebrow, it would probably raise it, and look at me the same way i was looking at it.

wind & a cloud

"walking through wind makes you feel 

so much more epic than walking through normal air." 

that was my facebook status a long while ago and i still stand by it 100%, thank you very much.

i thought about it today when i was walking to my car after school. then my metaphorical mind started to wander, as it tends to do....

the sky was washed flat with gray from the top down, it seemed. dark to lighter. 

it came down to some muddy white soft clouds

which came opened up into a horizontal blue patch 

of sky

[just found out: quick photoshop doodles help capture memories]

which made room for more clouds

fluffy white ones 

with lots of depth

and lots of substance. 

then those faded out again into gray

which was flat and translucent. 

as i walked down a hill, i watched it slowly change. 

couldn't take my eyes away. 

it wasn't the most amazing display ever, but was still so beautiful. something about it....

i stopped, just to stare. 

texted a dear friend whom i miss. 

thought more.

kept going,

walked through the wind.

the air was warm, and the wind was a tad chilly 

but i wasn't cold. 

[...not how they looked, but how they felt.]

the wind was powerful.

it was kind of beautiful: 

that feeling of walking through resistance with my head held high

[because i was focused on something beautiful above me]

while everything was blowing around me

but walking with a purpose

in a straight line

toward a specific destination.

that big green minivan suddenly represented something much more wonderful

than a big green minivan. 

[although, 'more wonderful' is kind of hard to come by...when you have a big green minivan.]

perspectives & houses

guy francis teaches institute. this makes me more excited because he's a friend of mine, and a professional illustrator. he and his wife lorien are some of my favorite people. anyway, the lesson tonight had a bunch of art examples, which made me just smile from my little desk and soak it up even more.

he started out by reading us the book, "the dot" by peter h. reynolds (i happen to own this book, because zach gave me it last month for my birthday). it's become one of my favorites. i suggest you read it, rather than me explain. really. go read it. (you can even borrow it from me, if you want.)

we discussed potential and perspective. lots of good analogies and discussion commenced, but i just wanted to blog about one quick example.

draw a house.

(go ahead, do it. i'll wait.)

ok. most people draw houses like this:

right? when we add some perspective in there, we might draw it

like this

or this

or even this.

we often see ourselves like that first picture shows.

'this is how i am: _______.'

'squares + triangle.'

however, God sees all those other perspectives as well. though we may think we're simply a combination of squares and triangles, certain abilities or strengths, Heavenly Father knows better. he sees the other parts of our house. he might see a window on the east side under the roof, or the garden in the backyard. he sees the back door and that little path on the west side. he notices the chimney and recognizes the garage.

our little house could have

windows
and paths
and stones
and doors
and stairs
and gardens

that we don't even see.likewise, we could have

strengths
and likings
and abilities
and pleasures
and talents
and lessons to learn

that we don't even see.

how do we see? add perspective. through trials, sufferings, difficult callings, opportunities, etc, we can learn about what's really part of our spiritual homes (or mansions as they may become). we're not just squares and rectangles.

we may be called as a nursery leader. 'what? nursery leader? i don't think i can do that!'
we could find a hidden door. 'i really enjoy kids.'

we could experience a parents' divorce. 'what? i don't like this. this isn't how family is supposed to be.'
we could look for a window. 'oh. i have a lot more love for my family now.'

we could get our hearts broken. multiple times. 'i don't like this. it hurts so badly.'
we could plant a garden. 'i'm learning to depend on Heavenly Father.'

we could fail a test. 'i deserved a good grade- i studied.'
we could discover a secret path. 'ah. a lesson in perseverance.'

do you get the idea? it's a good thing we're more than just squares and triangles. guy then talked about how we are all creators. elder uchtdorf says 'everyone can create...something of substance [and] beauty.'

as guy quoted,

you are the architect of your own destiny.

so when you start to doubt yourself, start to create. make those windows and stairs and doors. discover your potential; create your mansion.



i could even venture a step further into the analogy and talk about creating that house on a 'firm foundation'...but that's a lesson for another day.

tangled wisdom...from ecuador with love

My necklace has been tangled all morning long. It's hard to untangle, because it's a bunch of big wooden beads with string separating each one. I tried to untangle it briefly while riding the bus, then gave up in pursuit of reading while on the bus.

I got to school and tinkered with it again, but to no avail.

I went to my class, and for the first 20 minutes, tried in vain to untwist and untangle it.

The knot wouldn't go away.

Then I couldn't get it off my mind.

Now, this isn't just any necklace; it's a necklace that Diana (one of my very best friends) brought back to me from Ecuador. Therefore, it's much more special to me than just any trite piece of jewelry.

After class, I sat down (right here...literally, this just barely happened) and worked on it again. I realized that part of my problem was that I kept pulling from the ends of it, untangling those parts, when in reality the problem was the knot in the center. And it was huge! I didn't know what else to do so I just dove right into the center, worried that I might break the string. After a few minutes of concentrated, hard effort, focusing on being gentle with it, it started to loosen. However, i wasn't done yet...I still had to work at it. Ten minutes later, I got to the point where there were just a few knots left. I couldn't stop here, though, for I'd learned from this morning: if you work to the point to where there's just a little knot, it's still a knot. And with time, and circumstance, in this case, time at school in a messy backpack, it will just get worse.

Finally, my necklace was successfully untangled. I grinned, looked around, perhaps in vain hope that someone would celebrate with me in my accomplishment. Though no one was present to share in my personal little triumph, I smiled to myself and placed the necklace carefully around my neck as not to tangle it again.


Then, I sat, and thought for a second. I pulled out my laptop and wrote this.

And here's why:

This little situation can be applied to life! It seems so simple, and it is! But sometimes I just forget. I thought of many applications, but decided to summarize.

To untangle a problem, don't just fuss around with the little details and ignore what's really wrong. Don't beat around the bush, hoping that it'll fix itself by him-hawing (word?) around the issue. Get to the heart of the problem, though it may break things, or hurt, or take courage, or all of the above. However, don't ignore the little things either; with the ends of my necklace intermingled, solving the middle knots would have done no good. It's a fine line of balance, and nothing can be ignored. All things must be weighed and put in their order of proper priority.

I'm sure there are lots of flaws in this analogy, but it's kind of a tender mercy, because that's the analogy I kept thinking of as it was happening. And I realized, and now confess that this is a problem I have in life in general: Sometimes I get too wrapped up in the details of the little stuff that I miss the big picture. Other times, I get the big picture, but ignore the little things that help the overall whole. And that's something I need to remember right now. As my hands were busy working on the necklace, my mind was given a lot of time to remember this.

But when there's something you really care about (there are many necklaces in the world, but only one from Diana to me from Ecuador), fight for it! With time, patience, perseverance, tender care and focus, things can be resolved.

Now, after I've successfully disencumbered my necklace, I'll be much more careful in the future in my care of it. For now, though, I wear it proudly.

ps. I just got some very funny looks when I took off my necklace, placed it gently on the bench on which I'm sitting, whipped out my camera and took a picture of it. It's not a very artsy picture because I didn't want to distract anyone else. :)