letters from pain

prelude: i am thinking about this concept tonight in the midst of my migraine. this post came as a sort of stream of consciousness, stemming from only the idea of "letters from pain". i'm not much of an allegory writer, and this is mainly unedited. take from it what you'd like. 

dear human,

i know i can be cruel.

it has been said that you are exhaustible; i am inexhaustible.

this is true.

but if i were exhaustible, you could conquer me
and there your progression would cease.

from me, you may gain bitterness
and perhaps cynicism
and you may put up many walls.

but you would lose the chance to gain empathy
and sincere humility
and invalidate any need to search for strength.

there is a parable* that has been spoken -

a man asked his son to push a boulder.
the son, an obedient child, pushed and pushed an pushed. 

day in and day out. 
still, the boulder did not move. 

years unfolded. 
the son was determined and obedient.
still he pushed the boulder, 
but to no avail. 

finally, in a fit of ever-increasing frustration, 
the son decided he was finished. 
the boulder would never move. 

a man now, he tread back to his father
weary, frustrated, but above all, angry.

"father," the son exclaimed, "this boulder will. not. move.

"day after day, year after year i have pushed the boulder. 
still, it does not budge.
why would you make me push so hard, father, for an effort so fruitless?"

the father looked at his son, 
his eyes also weary,
but wise beyond the years of his son. 

"son," the father patiently spoke, 
"i never asked you to move the boulder, only to push it." 

his words were gentle but firm. 

dumbstruck, the son looked away, the shame of misunderstanding flushing his face. 

"but son", the father said, gesturing to the back window, "there's a different boulder out there. that is the one i want you to move." 

the son's eyes flashed up. 
this is the last thing he'd want to do. 
yet he was still obedient, almost beyond his will. 

without another glance at his father, he stomped out the back door
toward the second boulder, and pushed his shoulder against it,
almost in protest to prove he couldn't. 

he was surprised when the boulder moved with less strength than he had anticipated using. 
he looked back toward the window, 
and saw his father, 
a soft but knowing look on his face. 

you see, his father had never wanted him to move the first boulder; that boulder was a training ground to gain the strength required for the second boulder. the father knew that if the son would have known that the first was never to move, he would never have worked so hard to move it. it wasn't the movement itself, but the effort exerted in pushing the rock that gained the son the strength to move the second boulder. 

and so you see, i hold a use for you.
i am despised among most and am the downfall of many.

however, i am secretly the strength behind those who are strong.
only from fully exerting against me, the strength of pain, can they earn the strength to be strong.

*editor's note: this "parable" was extrapolated from an analogy my brother jonathan told me years ago. like many analogies he's told me, i've never forgotten it and it seems to come back at the most pertinent times. 

#changing

i come to this screen already knowing that words will be irrelevant to convey the awe i've been feeling in these last few minutes of reflection.

but i'm just so amazed and happy; i have to attempt to document something.

i had incredible sharing experiences this weekend.
i got to prepare for and teach relief society, have a good discussion about teaching, and also had a few really, incredibly good one-on-one conversations with incredible people.
like, mind-blowingly good.

i just got back from the most recent one.
i had a bad headache all day.
bottom line: i came back home from our chat with the most excruciating migraine i've had in a long time.
every time i get these i forget how bad they hurt.

but tonight, i can't even be bothered by it.
because it is an absolute testimony that God is in control.

--

the things that my friend and i discussed needed to be discussed.
currently i must acquiesce to some of the physical conditions placed on my body has right now,
but tonight God needed me to be stronger than my body would naturally physically allow
to relay a few things.

my mind was not working as hard as it would normally be during any other intellectually and spiritually stimulating conversation,
because it physically couldn't be
(or i would most likely vomit, or feel the need to as i do now).

instead, He just sort of took over and spoke through me.
when i needed to say something, the words flowed easily and naturally and effortlessly
like a stream flowing down a mountain.

i wasn't sure if any of it made sense,
but from what my friend expressed to me,
it was a perfectly matched conversation
which we probably both needed for different reasons.

and the cool thing is,
part of my contribution in this particular conversation was made up of parts of so many other conversations i've recently had.
conversions where i did have to strain to think and decidedly choose and craft words to convey thoughts, because i had the physical and mental capacity to do so.
which prepared me for this conversation.

and oh! oh, how others thoughts have become my own.
none of this was just "me".
i love when someone provides me words for something my soul has been trying to say.

i am convinced that on this earth, we create each other.

God has put us here to learn together,
to live together,
to teach each other--
because we are vessels through which He speaks
and because we provide each other the opportunity to become more
--more Us --
every day.

goodness, life is beautiful.
and so, so delightfully clever.

👆every day. i sure hope so. // this weekend has been mostly spent outside, walking and talking and learning, with really good people. i am intellectually and physically and spiritually exhausted and i'm so grateful for it. #changing

A photo posted by Kristin Gulledge (@kwistyart) on Mar 15, 2015 at 7:11pm PDT

everybody dance now

if anyone's wondering, 10:49pm is an excellent time to have a dance party by oneself in one's room.

and hey, there's still time for like a 10:53pm dance party in whatever room you're in, if you're quick to find a good song.

for that matter, whenever you read this is probably a good time for a personal dance party. probably. i wouldn’t even mind if you commented and told me what time you danced and to what song(s).

also, various derivatives of “dancing for no reason” are probably the only new years resolutions i have remembered and kept.
...so far.

and honestly i think it’s one of the most important ones.

also this may be the most literal blog post title i've ever written.

roles

just when i think i have it all together,

i sorta lose it again. 

these next/last few days (weeks? months? time eludes me...) have been really crazy. 

and then i wonder, has there been a time in my life i haven't claimed that?

and under my jaunty smile, 

i frown a little. 

is that okay? 

i don't know. 

i was thinking about it just now as i'm late to sit in on another professor's figure drawing class

(have i told this blog that i'm teaching figure drawing this semester at my old university?)

and i was like...wow. i need to switch roles a lot faster these days. 

well, switch mindsets. 

yesterday i needed to be a full-time daughter. that isn't required often of my gracious mother but yesterday it needed to happen. and i'm grateful things are okay.

but today i'm a little stressed about beginning the anatomy unit in my figure drawing class. and my students' midterms are today. so today: full-time instructor. focus on that all day. til after class when i have another commitment. 

and then tomorrow, full-time instructor as i figure out how i'm going to teach the provo art club head drawing. 

and grade my students' midterms. 

and tomorrow night, i'll be a recipient of someone else's art. a concert attendee. hopefully. and hopefully that'll fill my well a bit....and won't leave me too sad. 

the next day? art instructor again. to teach the art club. 

and after that: photographer. photoshoot. stoked about that. but a tad rusty. hoping that the photoshoot i did a few weeks ago will energize that. 

and after that: another social commitment. 

and then monday: work on graphic design project. in fact, all week: toggle between roles of graphic designer for two graphic design projects and figure drawing instructor for again--hardest subject to simplify: anatomy. 

all of this, tring to clear my schedule so that i can be an "artist" -- the painting and drawing kind, since i have the privilege of being in the beehive bazaar and 75% of my stock needs to be original artwork ready to sell. most of which i have yet to  create. 

and um...i have carpal tunnel and tendinitis in both wrists. so i have to make sure i don't overdo it. 

and i'd really like to do music again. that's pulling at me. there's an opportunity to perform a little thing on march 21 (the same day i substitute teach a 6-hour long figure drawing class). 

also there are social things i flit between too. 

you know. 

that's normal, right? 

i'm feeling very incapable of being normal sometimes. 

and simplicity.

such a beautiful concept that somehow always eludes me.

{via here}

...artist: amiright?

maybe i can simplify my artistic life at least. 

if not in the jobs, 

the job descriptions? 

so it's sort of like i switch between things, especially in the artistic sense so fast: artist/art instructor/different kind of art instructor/graphic designer/photographer/back to designer.....and i'm just thinking: perhaps i need to just start to consider myself as a "creator". with different mediums. would that simplify the thought process? 

lemme try.....

hey. i'm kristin.

i create things. 

some days with charcoal, some days with nupastel, others with paint....

yeah. that sounds good. 

so this week, up on the dock, starting today it goes like this:

i    w i l l    c r e a t e    w i t h :

thursday-- food (breakfast), written words (this post), conte (practice), the copy machine (lessonplan),  energy / spoken words / conte (my classroom)

friday-- conte (practice), creativity (lesson plan)

saturday-- spoken words / conte, colored pencils, (art club lesson), camera (photoshoot) 

monday-- lightroom (photo editing), adobe suite (junta project), adobe suite (bom zine project), etc etc....

see, even that is way more complicated than it needs to be. and this post went on a free ramble way longer than i originally intended. and i'm not even gonna go back up and read it before i publish. bad idea? probably. but hey, at least it's something. 

take that, perfectionism. 

simplicity...i'll get back to you later.

aftermath

exhaustion.

i don't want to sleep.
i desperately need to.
i'm exhausted.

in so many ways that i can't even process it all.

but things are so close to the surface.
and sleep is like a division.
it closes one day and starts a new one.
the next day will come but it's like sleep is consciously accepting that, you know?

and tonight came so fast.

i've been alone with my art for so long.
so, so long.
just hours in my basement, painting.
thinking. feeling. crying, sometimes, honestly. praying.
it's been pretty soul-wrenching at times.
goodness, i know i'm tired because my emotional guard is down for me to actually type this. and pause and blink and not delete it and barrel on like a train through some dark tunnel.
but this has been the most honest, heartfelt show i have put on since my bfa show.

it was all i had.
i unabashedly loved every piece i made.
i am proud of what i put on display.

and then i showed it...
and three hours later opening night was done.
done!
done?

it just felt so short.
i mean the art is up until the 27th,
but i'm leaving town soon and so i won't even see it very much.

it was a relief tonight to find out that my work wasn't just selfish.
i had a few conversations where i learned more about some of my pieces
(i really like learning about my work from the insights of others).

it was nice to be surrounded with some people whom i really care about and love.
i was surprised to see some people whom i hadn't seen for quite some time.
it was lovely to be helped by a few angels whom i wasn't expecting
and by some i was.

i also missed some people.
i wanted some to be there that weren't.
i don't know why some didn't show
and i knew why others couldn't.

but it's done.
and now i'm sitting in the same place i have sat so many times in the past few weeks,
but it seems so cold.

i realize it's because my paintings are gone.
it feels sort of drafty.
which is weird because it's the exact same room
as it was before i started painting.

but after you create something and then take it away,
something in the atmostphere shifts
and you can't quite put your finger on it.

also, my van might have died tonight.
wouldn't even start after we tried to jump it.
so i'm sort of feeling the juxtaposition of a quick and mighty triumph
with the pang of an odd sort of loss.
with more subtle undertones wafting the scent of other losses.

so yeah.
weird feelings.
not sure what to think of things.
feeling lots of stuff.
feelings!
they don't mix well with sleep.

my soul feels like it should feel sort of patched up
because i just processed a hecka lotta stuff with art,
but instead it feels sorta patchy.

anyway.
new music time.

dear diary, it's 4:08-ish a.m.

you'll have to right-click, and "open image in new tab" to read. sorry for the extra work...but i put extra work into it (got a flikr pro account and everything!).  cuz i think you might like it. i really do. i know the handwriting's sloppy (i picked up the pen and literally wrote as fast as i could and only put it down when i was done). and i only had my point-n-shoot nearby, so i hope you can read it.  

up with the birds

preface: i got out of class early and walked to my car. the overcast sky was a bit chilly and sprinkled a bit of rain. but as i drove, the sky got brighter in its overcast state. as i neared my home, admiring the valley from that one view, coldplay came on my iPod singing this song. i could tell it was going to be a longer drive home than i'd originally intended. and i was perfectly fine with that.

i drove to a road where i could better view the sun and west sky, playing that song over and over. the following is the stream of consciousness which resulted.

4:40ish pm--

okay. 

currently i've pulled over on the side of the road just to sit here and type. i'm situated in the passenger's side of the car, because i have a better view and there's no steering wheel for my laptop to fight.

here's why.

obviously, it's been a hard few weeks for me. but i'm learning that amidst trials, to not stifle the sunshine spots that come along the way. 

literally. 

because here's what i'm experiencing from inside my car (in the order of which i'm noticing them from this point on): 

raindrops on the windshield and windows 

fog on the windows, thanks to my malfunctioning defroster

a hilly road ahead

an orchard on the left

with the skeleton of an old barn

an old neighborhood on the right

and chris martin is crooning "everything's not lost".

the driver's side window is down; i smell rain. walking to my car about half an hour ago, i discovered my new favorite smell: rain and campfire smoke. it wafted by only briefly, a moment or two; that's all it took. done. new favorite.

the air is slightly cool and completely clear. still smells of fresh rain. it's perfect. 

a guy just passed me on his run. he has huge headphones; i wonder what he's listening to. 

good for him! gosh, what i wouldn't give to go running right now. 

the sun is thinking about setting. but not yet. it's stunning. it's in the southwestern sky, completely diffused by clouds, however still super white and completely radiant. white light, not yellow. makes me wonder if this is a similar light quality as in joseph's vision. there are no traces of the mountains -- the mist completely covers them. for all i know, it's the inversion, but it's beautiful and i honestly don't care. it feels so fresh here.  

the gradient in the valley is super subtle: a beautiful light blue into gray into white and there are some yellowish tones above; the warms mixing with cools make it exquisite. 

cars pass here and there. it's nice to listen to them come and go. 

i love how the bare trees of this orchard across the way look: so stark and sharp, backdropped against the silky smooth sky. 

"life in technicolor"…love this song. brings back happy memories.

sun just broke through the clouds and now it's in my eyes. i'm not moving. nope, not one bit. i love the feel of sun on my face, even if it's direct sunlight.

this documentation doesn't do justice to any of this, but it's the only way i can share it, since no one is here to share it with me. which usually feels a little bittersweet. but gratefully, not as much this time. 

oh, coldplay….

it's interesting to feel the sun dim and re-light my face. 

speaking of my face, i just noticed its reflection on my computer screen; I didn't realize i'm half-smiling. a smirk, kind of. this is just a really nice place to be. 

yes. this one. 

the sun is back to being radiant and bright, creating an amazing looking rim-light on the bare trees. 

  

my fingers are cold. coldish. but it feels good and i like the clicking sound of typing, juxtaposed with the cars passing, the music playing, and the feel of the bass on the ground for my feet to enjoy.

aaand the perfect song to end my documentation by….

"a rainy day comes round, sometimes i just want it to slow down…"

anyway. wish you were here. 

seriously. 

postscript: 

as i pulled in my driveway, i looked up and saw one single bird silhouetted on the wire against the deep blue sky above my house to greet me. thinking of the original song i'd heard that propelled me to drive on, i grinned and thought this rather fitting to end my little afternoon jaunt.