psa: vulnerability apparently dwindles when you don't use it

you should be proud of me.
i have written a lot lately.
in fact, i have written eight complete blog posts.

...they're all tagged as "drafts" in my post queue from january 29 til now.
where has my courage gone?

thinkspace

it's been so long since i've written consistently here.

i want to reclaim it.

i feel like i've scattered my thoughts across the minds of others recently.
i'm guessing you could bet: i'm a very open person.
but in some ways it's terrifying.

i still need this space,
to gather my thoughts like cards--
scoop them all up and deal them out
just to see what hand i have.

(which is funny because i rarely play card games)

but it's true because when you're dealt cards, you know you have cards. you see them physically in your hands. they're tangible. but only when you really turn your cards over do you see what's revealed.

thoughts can be thick and at times almost palpable.
and recently i've had a good amount of them.

but instead of writing,
i've dealt them to others.

and not just one person
and actually, not just a few trusted best friends.

recently, i've been talking with new friends as well.
new people i've let into my life,
and given some of my most favorite thoughts,
my cards.

i hope they hold them close.

***

i guess that's another aspect of vulnerability i'm discovering.

in vulnerability you open up, yes.
but being vulnerable here on my blog, at least i can sign my name to it.
i can go back and reference anything i've written or released.
i can even delete if i want to
(which i don't think i've really ever done, but it's a safety blanket knowing i can).

in conversations, i can't.
in conversations, it's out in the open air, never to be reclaimed
unless i later intentionally reclaim it.

but then again, i don't even remember all that i've released to someone else's ears...
ears/mind/heart?

it's a tricky thing, connecting with people.

but then again, that's the whole point.
so i guess i'm okay, having spoken
and not written
for so long.

but still,
i miss this space.

and i am going to reclaim it,
for me, really.

warm fuzzies: the recent evolution

sparkplug has recently become more like a quiet neighborhood stroll that i take every once in a while, rather than the daily commute of thoughts rushing back and forth.

recently (thankfully) i've started writing again a lot, but just in other places. i write here at sparkplug (or more fondly, warm fuzzies), and in my journal on my phone, and in my little notebook i carry around, and in my notepad on my phone. i also write in my paintings and i paint in my writings, and i write in the form of pictures, too. yeah, you read that right. riddle me that, batman.

that being said, have you been over to my art blog lately? there have been some crazy things happening.

well, not crazy, but there have been like 2 or 3 recent posts.

and even more crazy has been my facebook page. that's where i've been slammin' down art like nobody's business.

although i've missed writing this blog. i've missed the familiarity of writing posts. for some reason, it really lets me just be me in a way that conversation can't, and neither can visual art or any other medium. i'm regaining this slowly but surely and i'm looking forward to it.

it desperately needs a facelift to really be my blog again. but that'll have to wait a while. for now, i need a place for my words and sparkplug is one of my most comfortable places.

but i won't promise "more" or "less" for sparkplug because i just don't know as far as quantity goes. or content for that matter. i don't know if it's gonna be pensive like it has been the last few posts or if it'll be sort of jaunty like this one. but i can bet that it will continue to be what i need it to be, and i'd love for you to continue to accompany me on that journey.

~*~

also. you can't really tell that i was soaked and it was crazy windy and how conversationally stormy it was so i hesitate to even post this (perhaps this is a good reason of why i need all the arts), so that's why i only allowed this one image, but this is the only documentation i allowed myself from that one time i chased the rain.