playing with blocks again

it's been a long time since i've stood,
Girl Against Mountain.

it's been a long time since i've explored new roads
but only in a very literal way.

it's been a long time since i've written
well, like this.

it all feels new and vulnerable.
yet very familiar.

so tonight,
i wrote like this.

drove til successfully lost. hit a dead end, turned around,
was chagrined to stumble onto a familiar street (it meant i'd been here before)

and stood against the mountain.
and though the wind didn't threaten to push me over, the rain came.

9.30.14 // 


before it grows too late

the following: a facebook status i posted that i need to remember. with a few extras because this is my little corner. 

here’s a healthy dose of vulnerability and some truth.

i went to the relief society #womensmeeting preoccupied and anxiety-filled. not wanting to talk with anyone, i sat in the corner hoping not to be noticed. because of my stubborn and introverted mindset, i was a lot more focused on what was happening. i listened and felt. and as i sat there, it was like my cup drained of its worries and filled with hope and direction. my cheeks were completely wet and i was vaguely grateful i decided against makeup today. i still have all the same problems, but somehow things are manageable. i don’t know how that works, but i just know it does. with God, all things are possible.

we don’t earn His love; we couldn’t even if we tried. but it is there, just waiting for us to recognize it. and when we do, my…it’s a powerful feeling. i am important. you are important. we each have a work to do and it is important to God that we are successful. our victories are important to him, no matter how small they may be.

please, please—no matter who you are: make it a priority to watch LDS general conference this coming weekend. we have a good long week to prepare. he’s just waiting to give us what we need to hear, as long as we’re seeking for it with an open heart. i just want everyone to experience what i did tonight, because it felt so good. so personal.

“lead me, guide me, walk beside me…
help me find the way."


let the evening go

i was looking through old pictures a few nights ago. 

2007 //

~ 3.26.2008 //

11.22.08 // 
[honorable mention]

8.26.10 //

7.1.11 //

 11.11 //

9.11.13 // 5.22.14 // 6.8.14

9.17.14 // (etc, tbd)



i'm in a weird mood. 

and honestly, it's lasted for longer than a night or two. 
i think i'm just in a weird spot in life. 

sometimes i just feel sad about certain things. 
but these things are hard to put my finger on, hard to fix. 
and so, hard to feel. 
but when i do feel it, it's a specific and peculiar sort of Sad.

so then it's the battle of letting myself feel (somewhat irrationally, which annoys my logic) or becoming numb. 
usually vacillating between the two. 

enough of that vulnerability for now.  


today is september 11. 

i got up at 5:20 to go running with a friend. 
who knew that hour still even existed?! 

anyway. it does. 
that, with its accompanying happy little circumstances, started my day off well. 

slowly, my body started to rebel and my latent knee injury awoke and reared it's angry, groggy head. and then my head felt like it was a good day to get a migraine, probably because it's most wonderfully inconvenient when i have a pretty intense deadline (which i miraculously hit today). 

this isn't supposed to be a log of my daily events. 

point is, i ended up more subdued than i was this morning. 
still in a good mood, just physically not feeling great. 

now i'm just sitting here (i cancelled my plans tonight due to said migraine), 
and i decided i'd like a new cover photo for facebook. 

i started looking through my italy pictures...
then through my mexico pictures. 

with a spotify playlist on shuffle, 
music gently filled my head as i perused. 
it had been a while since i've looked through either of these sets of photos.
and slowly, i started to feel the Sad creep in. 

it's not necessarily a depressed sort of sad. 
it's just a sad sort of Sad. 
it could definitely lead to the depressed sort of ad, but innately, it's just its own Sad. 
a more flavorful sort of melancholy maybe? 
a respectful slow ache aching for the past. 

and i thought again of september 11.

i saw the hashtag trending today, #neverforget. 

i think that's really powerful. 

september 11 was and is incredibly important to me. 

but i also realized that sometimes we only intentionally take time to remember the more obvious events in history, and we usually wait for holidays to remind us. 

looking through these photos, it just hit me that it's necessary, sometimes vital--to reflect and remember the really September Elevens of our personal lives. and also to remember our own Independence Days. our deepest heartbreaks and our greatest victories, because they're part of the same experience. 

it's easier to remember the good things, but sometimes we don't intentionally reflect on them. i think maybe i should, more. and then also the times that have been really hard. and by hard, i mean Hard. it's really important to understand where our growth has come from, and also where our calluses and scars lay, so we're at least aware of them and can start to help them heal if they/we need to. 

last night i went to a meditation class and our teacher just had us sit there for 30 minutes, just breathing in silence, observing our thoughts at a distance. we really had to just sit and face ourselves. it was...hard.  

as we remember our personal gethsemenes and our greatest victories, we more fully realize who we are and where we came from. and hopefully that can steer us into where we're going. the past is a part of us and always will be, though it doesn't have to define the future. 

i'm not trying to say live in the past, but out of respect for what these experiences have done for us and how they've shaped us -- those lessons we must #neverforget.