this outfit worked

a continuation from the last....

tonight, on the other hand,
i felt so very alive.

it started out with a really good night drive to a music night, 
and discovered so many friends there that i just really like a whole bunch. 

and it ended with a dance after-party. 
a really, really good dance after-party. 

and i felt so very much myself, 
dancing with those people down in that happy basement. 

i have no idea what i looked like, 
(in fact, i feel i may have looked ridiculous at times 
and potentially physically terrible by the end) 
but that's what fit me best tonight.

and i wouldn't have worn anything different.


fitting & blowing

ah, a morning post. these don't often occur....

it took me an extra long time to get ready this morning.
see, fridays are a little different for my schedule.
and on this particular day, i am going to go to work, work on things, work on freelance things, head to my mentorship, and maybe do a really great art project (film/photography) tonight in a really cool location.

so naturally, my mind is already skipping over the first four things and it's in that art project;
it's at that location.
which is completely dissonant with the sunny day that seems to be unfolding outside.
the location, the thoughts, the concept, the look and feel--are all more pensive.
not depressed, but contemplative.

and because of that, nothing fit today as i was hurriedly putting on an outfit.
not because my clothes didn't physically fit.
but nothing fit how i was feeling.
and my hair, too.
i couldn't really do it in a way that reflected how i want it to be.
i don't really know how i want it to be.

and then i was like,
oh man.
i'm turning into THAT kind of artist.

but at the same time,
i knew i'm not that incredibly finicky,
so i tried to get to the root of it.

i had a good phone conversation with my sister last night.
one of those heart-to-hearts,
a cleansing, tearful, grateful conversation.
i think it opened a lot of things up in me.
possibilities that i had shut out were open again
and fears i had held up in front of me were torn down.

so this morning, i just really couldn't get over my outfit dilemma for a solid few minutes:
why didn't anything feel right today?
why didn't any of the clothes i wear...make sense?
then i had a subtle uncomfortable realization:
perhaps i don't feel comfortable in my own skin.
a little bit.

and no outfit in my closet will fix that.

so i just realized that i'm really antsy with some aspects of my life.
i feel like the winds of change are coming.
or they want to come, but are sort of suspended on their course, in mid-air,
waiting for me to beckon them in.

so if they aren't coming,
perhaps i'll blow my own wind and make them come.



my brain is usually buzzing with thoughts.
but tonight, i'm just sitting on my porch.

the thoughts are definitely there, but the faucet is turned off.
and i don't think i really want to turn it on.

just wanted to stop in and say hi, because i have started to make this space mine again.
i like that feeling.

i also wanted an excuse to stay on my porch a bit longer
and feel the breeze--much stronger tonight--tousle my hair and play with my clothes.

i like feeling my strength against it,
(even if my strength is nothing more than simply being a solid mass doing nothing other than sitting)
just to test it.


feel the cold rush over me again

preoccupied, i drove home tonight.
it had been a good night, but left alone with my thoughts,
my mind reverted back into troubling situations and unanswered questions.

my window was down and my left arm was characteristically hanging out the window;
a favorite local band was humming through my speakers.
i was on auto-pilot; i hardly noticed as i maneuvered the stoplights on the near-empty streets.

about halfway home, i noticed the breeze.
it was creeping over my left forearm, soft and warm as it danced across my arm into the car.
and then in noticed the song playing from the cd.
i loved this song.

then i realized that i wasn't fully appreciating the amazingly warm air this night had to offer:
it had tried, but i had pushed it aside. i specifically noticed it now, and it felt amazing.
i even opened the sunroof and let more in.
gosh, i love feeling warm summer nights.

that's when i realized: these are all things i enjoy.
things i really enjoy.

night driving. summer nights. warm breeze. this song. singing.

...singing. i wasn't doing that, but i could.
i turned up the music and i remedied that.
and i sang loudly. from my soul, it seemed.

and i wondered how many perfect moments like that slip by without me noticing.
so i passed my street and took a long way home.
almost to apologize to a few of those moments,
and perhaps to make something up to them in some small way in promising to notice more of them.
starting now.



it's been so long since i've written consistently here.

i want to reclaim it.

i feel like i've scattered my thoughts across the minds of others recently.
i'm guessing you could bet: i'm a very open person.
but in some ways it's terrifying.

i still need this space,
to gather my thoughts like cards--
scoop them all up and deal them out
just to see what hand i have.

(which is funny because i rarely play card games)

but it's true because when you're dealt cards, you know you have cards. you see them physically in your hands. they're tangible. but only when you really turn your cards over do you see what's revealed.

thoughts can be thick and at times almost palpable.
and recently i've had a good amount of them.

but instead of writing,
i've dealt them to others.

and not just one person
and actually, not just a few trusted best friends.

recently, i've been talking with new friends as well.
new people i've let into my life,
and given some of my most favorite thoughts,
my cards.

i hope they hold them close.


i guess that's another aspect of vulnerability i'm discovering.

in vulnerability you open up, yes.
but being vulnerable here on my blog, at least i can sign my name to it.
i can go back and reference anything i've written or released.
i can even delete if i want to
(which i don't think i've really ever done, but it's a safety blanket knowing i can).

in conversations, i can't.
in conversations, it's out in the open air, never to be reclaimed
unless i later intentionally reclaim it.

but then again, i don't even remember all that i've released to someone else's ears...

it's a tricky thing, connecting with people.

but then again, that's the whole point.
so i guess i'm okay, having spoken
and not written
for so long.

but still,
i miss this space.

and i am going to reclaim it,
for me, really.