[written at 9:20 this morning] 

it's been quite warm (we hit a record the other day for record high during this time of the year!) but early today the sun was shy and the clouds replaced its usual greeting. i noticed this as i rushed to my car after a busy morning, late for work. as i strapped my on seatbelt and pulled out into the street, i realized i felt a breeze. it was coming from the windows which were still cracked to ventilate yesterday's heat. though it wasn't warm this morning, it wasn't unnecessarily chilly, so i kept them that way as i sped on.

gloomy as the outside appeared, for me there was a different quality to it. a familiar atmospheric texture. i couldn't put my finger on it.

my mind was preoccupied with other thoughts, but it occasionally dipped back into a vague recognition of this somewhat recognizable ambiance as i drove.

unlike the normal overcast utah mornings, it wasn't cold, and i could feel water in the air though the rain hadn't made its way down yet.

it wasn't until i caught a scent as i rounded a slight bend in the road that i realized what it was. the faint smell was cigarette smoke, diluted by the smell of oncoming rain. that's when it donned on me:

new york.

of course. many of my memories from my internship two summers ago were fraught with this smell, feel, and surrounding environment. even the current road construction added to it. the only difference was that i was driving to work this time, rather than walking, and i was on the other side of the country.

i let my mind wander back to reminisce. the sporadic rain storms, walking to society, the crazy heat, the dynamics of various circumstances and relationships, the friends that i'd met there, so many fascinating strangers, the curiosity and wonder and awe that i tried to maintain throughout the entirety of my total eight weeks there.

i missed it.
all of it.
and i missed them.
and for a brief moment, i missed the me that was there.

but the other day, i penned it in black and white as i wrote to a friend:
she's still in me, somewhere.


in many aspects, i think i was a better person in new york.
the circumstances made it easier for me to function at my optimum capacity.

but, recently i heard a devotional by stanley g. ellis, who gave some solid advice about handling the "temporary stages of your life"...which can last a lot longer sometimes than we anticipate:

unpack your bags.
"be where we are. have an attitude as for years...be there, until you're not. the eternal attitude of a transient isn't good....[that] attitude....will rob you of much joy and satisfaction...and will cause the...community to lose the many contributions you could make."

that kind of hit me hard.
i'm not in new york now.
and i don't know when i'll return.

but -- what good did it do for me, if i only let that growth affect me while i'm there? or any place of growth, for that matter?

i need to apply that here. now. and i need to stop waiting for my future goals to be recognized to make me into the person i want to become. because chances are, as i focus on working harder to be that person now, i'll be a much better version of her later, and will be more prepared and ready when the rubber hits the road as those goals are actualized.

it's okay to miss times, places, circumstances, people, and discoveries that brought out the best in me. but i realized that it's almost like spitting in the faces of those people and places if i let whatever they made me into die simply because i don't want to make the effort to find and apply their effects within myself again.


well. that post didn't go where i thought it would go.
it was just going to say, "this morning felt gloomy but refreshing outside and i missed new york."
but i suppose i needed to remind myself of what i ended up writing.


marching bootless

about a week ago, i participated in the TOMS "one day without shoes" event. because, well, why not? (if you're not familiar with TOMS, check this out

this is the idea:
{screenshot from here}
it was a pretty freeing feeling. because i didn't have time to really prepare in the morning, i just went shoeless. eventually i put some words on my feet.
[click to zoom. left foot: "one day without shoes" right foot: "ask me about my feet"] 
 i carried around this little card to talk with people about it.

{via here}

it really was kinda cool to talk with people. i didn't talk a ton, but for me personally it was interesting to reflect on this all day (because i was reminded...all day. because i had no shoes and my feet have gotten soft from being wrapped up in all my winter shoes for so long).

anyway, one of the more amusing moments was at the end of the day when i attended a concert. i figured that for this, i'd put shoes on so that i wouldn't get trampled on too badly (and earlier, i accidentally burned the bottoms of my feet...i forgot how hot pavement can get....).

so i put my shoes on (my shoes that i had previously customized because i do that kind of stuff). then my friend mal commented, "um, you know what your feet say now that you have your shoes on, right?" i looked down and this is what i saw:


ha! yes, that's right. "one day without feet. ask me about moving."

i guess it's a whole new topic. :]



i have another post almost ready. i was gonna post it a little later today.

but it's only 8:44am and right now i'm just wishing this.

{via here}



cannons ready

happy finals week times!!

this finals week is by far the most chill finals week i have ever experienced. EVER.
so i decided to dedicate this post to more important matters.

i give you, the top ten bands i've listened to this past semester ::
{image source}
1. jónsi
2. searching for celia
3. book on tape worm
4. youth lagoon
5. arcade fire
6. mumford and sons
7. explosions in the sky
8. the glitch mob
9.  album leaf
10. ratatat

honorable mentions ::
quiet company
quasi-stellar radio
imagine dragons

rapidly getting up there ::
vampire weekend
brandon flowers

i tried to name the top ten in order from band likely most listened to --> band likely least listened to. but i decided i couldn't really figure that out so don't mind the order too much. but it's probably sorta accurate.

a lot of it is more ambient/post-rock/chill (yeah, those can be different categories) because i spent a good chunk of the semester in the library researching and writing my paper. i found some of this stuff was mind-revving but not too distracting (maybe helpful for all you poor souls having to study for finals!).

the honorable mentions are mainly because had i discovered them sooner, i'd have listened to them more by now. the last category are bands i knew about but just started paying attention to.

what are some bands you're listening to?


yom dmaot, simcha

just so you know, this is what i believe:


pretty incredible, huh?
oddly, through some unexpected difficult nights,
i really internalized easter this year.
i hope yours was as meaningful as mine
...but only because when you think about what easter really means,
you get a really wonderful, hopeful feeling.
and i feel like everyone deserves to experience that. 


hard drive

i just got home. i collapsed onto a stool at my kitchen table and opened my computer to check on some things. my home was completely silent, which was a nice change. eventually, i noticed my eyebrows were furrowed, bringing my attention to my subconscious, which was detecting an almost imperceptible whirring sound. i realized that it was trying to figure out what the sound was, which is why i couldn't be totally focused on what i was doing. funny how your brain and your thoughts can be two different places simultaneously.

when i realized this, i stopped typing, and almost like a cat poised to pounce, looked up and paused, giving the sound my full attention. after a bit i realized that the culprit was my external hard drive on the other end of the table. i squinted my eyes in confusion.

it was plugged into the wall, but not the computer.

that was odd.

i went over and yanked the plug out of the wall. then i cocked my head, eyebrows still knit and stared at the external hard drive, half in mild bewilderment and half in amusement.

as a gentle chastisement, i thought to it, why are you doing all that extra work? you're using so much energy churning your wheels just to churn them, but you're not even accomplishing what you're meant to do. you're plugged into the wall, working hard and getting hot over nothing, because your usb cord isn't even connected into a computer.

and it just stared back at me. if it had an eyebrow, it would probably raise it, and look at me the same way i was looking at it.