break in the new year

it's quiet.
also it's 1:18am.

i find myself in a cosy little space. i lit candles because i'm sort of cold and don't have control over the heat here. two of the candles are ones i bought in mexico; it's the first time i've lit them. it's hard to think it's been a year since i've come back. makes me wonder if it was a dream. but no, it was too real. and it makes me wonder what i've done this past year.


moving past the nostalgia, the first day of the new year just concluded. one highlight of new year's eve was the opportunity to write bad habits acquired in 2014 on a plate and then hurl it to the ground at the stroke of midnight.

man, that felt good.
..........and slightly terrifying (we sort of formed a circle and threw them to the center. for future reference i'd suggest not chucking your bad habits at other people, literally or metaphorically, but luckily no one stumbled away with shards of glass in their eyes).

i have made resolutions different ways each year.
(sneaky: i actually realized that some of the past years' resolution posts were waiting in my drafts so i just published them now).

before/after. forgive the selfie, but do you see that triumphant grin?!

it only felt natural that 2015 resolutions came from that first new year's activity.

this next part is crazy vulnerable for me, but hey. we're all flawed, are we not?
so as human to human, i present to you some of my 2014 bad habits here (in no particular order):

1. lack of really good scripture study
2. complacency
3. being too concerned over appearances (read: social media)
4. letting fear control me
5. becoming dependent on validation
6. procrastinating hard decisions
7. eating unhealthily
8. lack of yoga/meditation/physical activity
9. electronics overwhelming me
10. lack of self-control

...and i threw 'em to the ground. they're not a part of this system. so to replace the gap those things will leave, here are some of my resolutions:

1. scripture study will be a priority
2. i will focus on the "why"s of what i do. this will help me be less complacent and more proactive. i don't want to be a victim of others' action or inaction; i want to be a master of my agency.
3.  will limit my social media intake and again ask why i'm on social media when i choose to interact. is it because i'm bored? procrastinating? depressed? or am i trying to specifically communicate with someone?
4. kick fear to the curb. replace with more faith.
5. look to God for validation. true validation comes from him. and also, validate myself. i doubt myself way too much.
6. hard decisions...man. those are rough. many times, a big dose of perfectionism mixes with a bit of self-doubt and that makes a perfect action stopper. so i will stop polarizing big decisions (i have to do ALL of this today or i can do NONE of it) -- and break it down into more manageable tasks. write a list of the hard decisions and tasks i have to take care of each month. some i can put off til next month; that's cool. write them down for next month.
7. well, due to some health developments, i really do need to focus on this now. prepare food/meal plans on weekends and make sure i have it ready each night for the next day.
8. plan on the dates and times to do yoga and meditation, and then make them appointments with myself. don't let things come before them in my schedule.
9. okay. let's do this: in the morning, don't touch my phone til i get to work. instead, fill that time with meditation/scripture study/whatever i feel i need to do that day. also give myself half an hour each day to answer emails/fb messages/texts in the evening. we'll see how that goes.
10. so silly that i have to do this, but....make a note when i resist things and also note when i indulge. compare the two at the end of each day. i think a lot of it comes from awareness.

addendum-- i finished this post on 1.11.15. i had kind of a life-game changer today during church and the devotional tonight. so this post might sound like a lot of stuff all at once but don't you dare tell me i can't do all of it. because more's coming. 2015: the year of change. 

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