it's been so long since i've written consistently here.

i want to reclaim it.

i feel like i've scattered my thoughts across the minds of others recently.
i'm guessing you could bet: i'm a very open person.
but in some ways it's terrifying.

i still need this space,
to gather my thoughts like cards--
scoop them all up and deal them out
just to see what hand i have.

(which is funny because i rarely play card games)

but it's true because when you're dealt cards, you know you have cards. you see them physically in your hands. they're tangible. but only when you really turn your cards over do you see what's revealed.

thoughts can be thick and at times almost palpable.
and recently i've had a good amount of them.

but instead of writing,
i've dealt them to others.

and not just one person
and actually, not just a few trusted best friends.

recently, i've been talking with new friends as well.
new people i've let into my life,
and given some of my most favorite thoughts,
my cards.

i hope they hold them close.


i guess that's another aspect of vulnerability i'm discovering.

in vulnerability you open up, yes.
but being vulnerable here on my blog, at least i can sign my name to it.
i can go back and reference anything i've written or released.
i can even delete if i want to
(which i don't think i've really ever done, but it's a safety blanket knowing i can).

in conversations, i can't.
in conversations, it's out in the open air, never to be reclaimed
unless i later intentionally reclaim it.

but then again, i don't even remember all that i've released to someone else's ears...

it's a tricky thing, connecting with people.

but then again, that's the whole point.
so i guess i'm okay, having spoken
and not written
for so long.

but still,
i miss this space.

and i am going to reclaim it,
for me, really.

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