into skin

first of all, i don't even know where to begin blogging again. it's been...a very long time. i am self-conscious and out of the habit. but i think i need it to some degree. so instead of letting perfectionism stop me, i'm just gonna start. perhaps i'll analyze my hiatus later. maybe not. probably not. i wrote the following last night right before going to bed. it's not polished; it's just thoughts.

--

today i felt like i slipped back into my own skin again. i felt more myself, more aware, more alive. but all in very, very subtle ways, that if i wasn't paying attention i probably would have missed feeling anything different. it felt good.

some things were beyond my control and completely because of the generosity of others. other things were intentional on my part. and you know what? when i intentionally did things that made me happy, that genuine happy sort of feeling, the more i noticed others and the general forces of the universe coming together to make me feel great. i dunno if it was all in my head or not, but either way our thoughts tend to create our reality so i really don't mind that. days don't always go like this but i sure appreciate when they do.

and similarly to the actual experience above, i feel like making a record of days such as these somehow produce more of those days because i start to expect more. out of others, out of the universe, out of myself.