fitting & blowing

ah, a morning post. these don't often occur....

it took me an extra long time to get ready this morning.
see, fridays are a little different for my schedule.
and on this particular day, i am going to go to work, work on things, work on freelance things, head to my mentorship, and maybe do a really great art project (film/photography) tonight in a really cool location.

so naturally, my mind is already skipping over the first four things and it's in that art project;
it's at that location.
which is completely dissonant with the sunny day that seems to be unfolding outside.
the location, the thoughts, the concept, the look and feel--are all more pensive.
not depressed, but contemplative.

and because of that, nothing fit today as i was hurriedly putting on an outfit.
not because my clothes didn't physically fit.
but nothing fit how i was feeling.
and my hair, too.
i couldn't really do it in a way that reflected how i want it to be.
i don't really know how i want it to be.

and then i was like,
oh man.
i'm turning into THAT kind of artist.
ugh.

but at the same time,
i knew i'm not that incredibly finicky,
so i tried to get to the root of it.

i had a good phone conversation with my sister last night.
one of those heart-to-hearts,
a cleansing, tearful, grateful conversation.
i think it opened a lot of things up in me.
possibilities that i had shut out were open again
and fears i had held up in front of me were torn down.

so this morning, i just really couldn't get over my outfit dilemma for a solid few minutes:
why didn't anything feel right today?
why didn't any of the clothes i wear...make sense?
then i had a subtle uncomfortable realization:
perhaps i don't feel comfortable in my own skin.
currently.
a little bit.
ouch.

and no outfit in my closet will fix that.

so i just realized that i'm really antsy with some aspects of my life.
i feel like the winds of change are coming.
or they want to come, but are sort of suspended on their course, in mid-air,
waiting for me to beckon them in.

so if they aren't coming,
perhaps i'll blow my own wind and make them come.