i don't want to sleep.
i desperately need to.
i'm exhausted.

in so many ways that i can't even process it all.

but things are so close to the surface.
and sleep is like a division.
it closes one day and starts a new one.
the next day will come but it's like sleep is consciously accepting that, you know?

and tonight came so fast.

i've been alone with my art for so long.
so, so long.
just hours in my basement, painting.
thinking. feeling. crying, sometimes, honestly. praying.
it's been pretty soul-wrenching at times.
goodness, i know i'm tired because my emotional guard is down for me to actually type this. and pause and blink and not delete it and barrel on like a train through some dark tunnel.
but this has been the most honest, heartfelt show i have put on since my bfa show.

it was all i had.
i unabashedly loved every piece i made.
i am proud of what i put on display.

and then i showed it...
and three hours later opening night was done.

it just felt so short.
i mean the art is up until the 27th,
but i'm leaving town soon and so i won't even see it very much.

it was a relief tonight to find out that my work wasn't just selfish.
i had a few conversations where i learned more about some of my pieces
(i really like learning about my work from the insights of others).

it was nice to be surrounded with some people whom i really care about and love.
i was surprised to see some people whom i hadn't seen for quite some time.
it was lovely to be helped by a few angels whom i wasn't expecting
and by some i was.

i also missed some people.
i wanted some to be there that weren't.
i don't know why some didn't show
and i knew why others couldn't.

but it's done.
and now i'm sitting in the same place i have sat so many times in the past few weeks,
but it seems so cold.

i realize it's because my paintings are gone.
it feels sort of drafty.
which is weird because it's the exact same room
as it was before i started painting.

but after you create something and then take it away,
something in the atmostphere shifts
and you can't quite put your finger on it.

also, my van might have died tonight.
wouldn't even start after we tried to jump it.
so i'm sort of feeling the juxtaposition of a quick and mighty triumph
with the pang of an odd sort of loss.
with more subtle undertones wafting the scent of other losses.

so yeah.
weird feelings.
not sure what to think of things.
feeling lots of stuff.
they don't mix well with sleep.

my soul feels like it should feel sort of patched up
because i just processed a hecka lotta stuff with art,
but instead it feels sorta patchy.

new music time.


Alicia Call said...

Wow, I'm sorry I missed the show. I'm glad you are proud of it. You deserve all the success in the world!

--jeff * said...

i think you make very good artwork, but knowing (to varying degrees) the stories and emotional journeys behind the work makes them infinitely deeper. and perhaps "the stories behind the work" isn't even the right term, because your emotion, your soul, saturates so much of what you do.

and i love that you love hearing what other people get from your work.

but mostly i love that you can communicate yourself so well in so many different media, be it the work on display tonight or through the words in this post; it's all so purely kristin, and that honesty makes it fascinating.

i'm sorry that i was one of those who wasn't able to be there, but i'm happy to have been a part of it in some way.

Unknown said...

You put so much into your art. I don't know how that feels.. I've never put that much in to visual art, however, my music tells so much about my soul from the guitar to the words, that I think I might know. So much underlying emotion that if just passed by, one would never know, but study your paintings...and you know Kristin. I hope you recover soon and make more art. :)