it was the cello, probably

it's beautiful to watch someone discover something for the first time. to watch their curiosity and their mistakes and their quiet little discoveries.


to anyone's heart, really

dear heart,

in your life so far, you have felt an abundance of emotions. you have felt exquisite joy; you have felt terrible loneliness. you've felt twitterpated, giddy, sweeping emotions, and you've felt angst and anxiety and difficult depression.

you've loved and lost, and you've loved again. in lots of different ways and times and for lots of different reasons. and sometimes it's love that makes sense and sometimes it isn't.

sometimes you are injured and don't even know why. and sometimes it takes a long time for you to heal.

but i just wanted to let you know: all of these things you have and will and feel right now are all part of the package this life came with. and through all of it (and i mean all of it), you are becoming more full.

but i just wanted to remind you that in whatever state you're in, you're doing just fine.

the rest of yourself.


“be soft. do not let the world make you hard. do not let pain make you hate. do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.” -kurt vonnegut


white flag

::july 29, 2011::
i had been asked on a date by a friend. i stipulated that i could only go if we went to a battle of the bands to hear a band i'd heard was amazing. either that, or i'd have to go with him some other time. he agreed to the concert.

we doubled with one of my best friends and her date. i wasn't quite sure what to expect, but i was familiar with the venue and happy to be at a concert. i don't remember much about the first bands, but i'm sure they were good.

the time came for the band i'd heard about to play. as we stood there, close to the left side of the stage, i was overcome with something i hadn't expected. this music....this music was different. it was all instrumental--but i hardly noticed. there was something different about this band. something about the energy and the combination of rock band instruments plus a violin and cello...?! and the passion with which they played. i was stunned. i found myself standing there, transfixed with their music, but somehow in my own world, separate from the crowd i was standing in.

i left the concert on a high, feeling that something in my life had shifted just a little bit. and it felt good.

it's been a year and a half since i first heard searching for celia play that battle of the bands. i have since attended almost every concert they've played, first as an unashamed groupie, and eventually as a friend to each of the band members. but always because of my love for and belief in their music. i'd say that my regular attendance was because i'm a supportive friend, but many times it's been purely selfish: i need to hear their music. it does something for my soul that nothing else can tap into.

as i've listened more and more and have become more involved with their band, i realize that it has something to do with this:

as far as music goes, i guess you could say i'm primarily a "singer". at least i used to be. i grew up singing and in high school choir was my "thing". i've lost the majority of my ability since i let visual art consume my college life, but point is: i used to feel that i needed lyrics.

however, searching for celia made me realize the amazing effects of really quality instrumental music. specifically, instrumental music that really connects with me. because of the lack of lyrics, their music doesn't dictate specific things i should think about. rather it invokes feelings, filtering and directing my own thoughts--providing them a passage through which to flow, with momentum to do so. i suppose this could be true with any instrumental music, but searching for celia invigorates and excites me.

i often live too much in my head, and if left to my own thoughts, i can sometimes stay on one idea and stew. other times, that thought mixes with just a couple others and goes in circles. both are not terribly helpful and sometimes they can be destructive to my happiness or productivity.

since my interest in searching for celia stemmed, i've branched into other groups in the post-rock genre. not all the bands i've experienced have held my interest. i've only recently realized a reason why, though this is only one component. but here's the idea: the ones that i love and hold my interest are those which have distinct melodies or thoughts behind them. they're not just noise. their songs travel an emotional journey, exploring all kinds of feelings, dynamics and tempos, always with an actual recognizable melody, and are diverse enough to beckon you to come with them. and you want to.

that's my current thought, and it might not make sense in words, but i guess that's kind of the point. you'd just have to experience it.


last week, searching for celia released their first album! of course i attended their album release concert, which i might add, was sold out. i'm sorry if you weren't there; you missed out on an amazing experience. however, to console you, here's a link to find out more about how to purchase their album. and here is a music video for the first track on their album.

and yeah. you're welcome. :)


shoot for the moon and hit the stars

looking back, 2012 was better than i ever could have imagined, but in ways that i didn't imagine.

remember this post? (if you don't, check it out. go ahead, i'll wait...)



i'm so happy (and astonished) to announce that in 2012, i accomplished *most* of the things on that list.

when i wrote the 2012 list, i left open spaces so that through the year, i could add goals to those spaces as i thought of them or as opportunities arose. it's amazing what happens when you give yourself some room to dream. here's what my list ended up looking like:

i accomplished most everything in the "to do" section, except for learn a legit dance routine (i started to learn party rock anthem but never finished; alas, a goal for the new year...). and i also didn't exercise daily or do anonymous acts of kindness consistently. BUT, writing those down made me do them more often than i would have. i didn't leave my comfort zone once per week, but i daresay i certainly left it more often this year than i ever have before. and i'm pleased with my accomplishments.

the things i wrote down in the "to be" section were more challenging, but i worked really hard on them. they're not checklist items, and it's always good to focus on certain areas of life at different times.

the bottom part was meant to be motivational....and it really was!

and as for my dear friend who challenged us to make these goals in the first place? britta? yeah.

this was how she ended her year:

photo by steven freeland
she's the one in the wedding dress. :) i dunno if this was on her list or not but....bottom line? don't be afraid to dream.

dieter f. uchtdorf's reminds us of this in a great way:

i am still making my 2013 resolutions. a little late, i know, but better late than never. feel free to leave some of your resolutions or victories in the comments if you'd like to share. i'd love to hear them. :)

related: to find some really lovely resolutions, click here!


a word (or 109 words) about love

dear blog,

i miss you.

and it is valentine's day so i thought i'd make it up to you.

...with valentines-y quotes...from other people. i think valentine's day should be a day of love and happiness and appreciation for all those whom we love...not just our "valentines". though i'm not gonna lie. it sure is nice when we have a valentine.

Source: tumblr.com via Kristin on Pinterest

Source: etsy.com via Kristin on Pinterest

i made the last one from a picture i took in italy and i'll probably make a better version later. it's based off of something my bishop's wife (jeneanne marvell) explained to us a few months back that really stuck with me. i believe it. anyway, blog. you're great. happy heart day.

also, happy valentines day to all those human-type people that i love as well. :)



questions i ask at 1:26am

dear brilliant ideas,
how's about you stop coming to me ONLY after 1 in the morning, hmmmmm?

dear this week,
how about we command + D you, so it's like the time of 14 days for the price of 7?

dear after effects,
why have we not been better friends before now?! we could have been making some beautiful stuff long ago, and now it's crunch time.

dear adobe,
if you would let me download the 30-day trial of after effects, i'd kiss you. but you're not. so i'mma punch you in the face. why are you choosing this option?

dear 2013,
you caught me off guard there, so i am hereby re-starting beginning this month of february. cool? thought so.

dear february,
oh, you already started? well. i'm re-starting you on like the 13th. thanks.



at the end of some days, you've just gotta say to yourself, 
"self, i am going to bake you a single cookie in a goblet."

and at the end of some other day, i will perfect the aesthetics of such.