to feel

this is far more transparent than my usual writings because i'm just now coming out of the moment. please know that i'm fine. i will be gloriously happy soon; happiness always comes back to those who seek it, especially when one puts their trust in God. but there are moments of pain in life, and i need to let this brief one out for once. it's by far NOT the hardest moment i've faced in these last months, but there is nothing else i feel like i can do right now. so i have to let it out. 

if i was planning to write about anything tonight, it would have been about the two amazing concerts i attended this week, one of which i experienced less than a mere two hours ago. but upon arriving home, i got hit with a something --a spot of bad news-- that brought down many little somethings very hard in my mind and it just about paralyzed me for a good few minutes. rather, i thought it should paralyze me. 

but to my own astonishment, i pulled out some bread, cut and ate it, and drank some milk. because i didn't know what else to do. then i was almost appalled at myself for not reacting how i thought i should to the news i just heard. a tad panicked, i texted a couple friends -- just trying to reach out to know some physical person was there and to make sure that i could still feel, i guess. one friend called me and put a fascinating perspective on the sudden pain and fear i felt. in talking with her, suddenly my numbness wore off and so many feelings just raced through me; some are still in my body now--

fear. pain. sadness. insecurity. stress. pressure. despair. guilt.

but here are some of her thoughts: 

you're experiencing a very amazing human moment right now. seize it!

watching someone's passion is just as intriguing and compelling as watching someone's pain. 

you can't just be one thing all the time; let yourself ebb and flow. sometimes, it's okay not to feel at all, as long as you don't hold it in.

it's instances like these that allow us a glimpse of a whole world in one moment.

this is an awesome moment. you're human. you're alive. you feel hurt for other people as well as yourself. emotions are so much better than just floating on the surface. this is it...this is life.

there are times when i feel nothing and it's horrible and life seems so pointless. that's the worst. it is a gift: to have these moments feel. to feel alive. 

take some of the weight of the world off your shoulders, for once. you can be the "needy" one sometimes too, to let others help you and help those whom you can't be there for.

with glimpses into the deepest and most powerful emotions, it is obvious that there is nothing more divine than the human.

again, i feel almost foolish for posting this, especially because i've certainly experienced far more pain and suffering in the last few months than i feel tonight, but i suppose that is why i could write about it more bluntly this time.

i KNOW that things will work out. but for a brief moment, i felt (i feel) very, well, human. very vulnerable. and very unsure. i was grateful that this friend reminded that it's both a gift and miracle to feel.

d&c 101:16

first class

from my travel journal-- tuesday, march 15, 2011. i scribbled this down on the plane around 7:35pm. 
between then and now, parts of my life have changed almost drastically while others have somehow stayed almost annoyingly the same. so, for what it's worth posting now, here you go~ 

on the plane. 

slowly starting down the runway. it just stopped.

first class turns out to be awesome. after the pilot and i exchanged a brian regan quote about first class and the lady took my jacket to hang on the coat rack, i noticed the mini water bottles, blankets and pillows. i thought to myself, yeah. this is gonna be a good flight.

i'm somehow sort of glad no one is sitting next to me so i can be solo one last time before i come back to-- the chaos, mess, business, productivity, stress, and responsibility (all good and bad) that is my life --to gather my thoughts and process them alone.

review, remember. looking over the last week and a half (has it only been that long?) is a blur. seems like it's been a lifetime, and here's why: i have quite unintentionally blended together my new york summer and my new york break 9 months later--and somehow stitched them together with lots of different emotions. 

everything in those 9 months between the two trips, i'm scared, will now be stitched together by the daily life i have to look forward to upon coming home, and new york will thus be sewn completely out of my thoughts.

i hope not.

i'm going to fight to keep them there so i can channel some of the life of that, what, 8 week-- experience? and all the inspiration, realization, actualization, growth, wonder, rush, frusration, feeling small, feeling big, and confusion that is MY new york experience.

plane is finally moving again, faster this time. 

no one else can take my experience there away from me or duplicate it; it is mine and mine alone. i feel i handle things better -- i process all that input better there because it was -- is -- my adventure.

plane paused again. yess! -- 

yes? part of me wants to stay; the rest of me knows i have to go back home.

as if it could hear my thoughts -- the plane's engine started its slow rumble and has resumed creeping down the runway....

ugh, why can't i function at home as well as i do in new york? maybe it's the charm, energy and friction of new york that i need to take home with me. others may think -- 8 weeks. c'mon, it's not that long.

no, i suppose not.

but if one moment can change one's life -- and it can -- then i'm pretty sure my 8 weeks so far there have had lots of little moments that have vastly impacted me.

i can hear the engine really rev up. 

it's like, "um...k, kristin. i've given you time to philosophize; now it's time i take you back. you ready? cuzz......eeeveryone else is waiting on you."

yeah. seems to happen a lot in my life lately. sorry, planebuddy...just trying to figure things out before i left this place again. guess, like always, i'll just have to start flying and figure it out on the way. i'm ready....

plane holga (unintentionally creepy)

the plane seems to tease me. only now that i say i'm ready, its heightened sound isn't matching its actual speed. it just rounded a bend, nonchalantly rolling over more of the rocky runway.

still, same speed. for some reason i'm getting anxious to be in the air - the unknown where you can't even see a solid foundation.

just snapped a picture out the window with miss holga. the plane stopped. and now...it's going.

faster, faster.

holding miss holga tight. bumpy. flashing lights. i barely notice i'm in the air when i see the skyline outside the window tilt. i am pushed into the cushy, wide chair as i watch the perfect rows of lights down below get hazy with the clouds that separate us and the city.

peace out, ny. we'll meet again. 

regardless of my feelings, i'm headed home. 


at least i'm coming home first class.

...

ps, sometimes purging my thoughts in such a conceptual manner exhausts me, but it's the way that they come out of my head so effortlessly and seep into my pen and onto my paper. and so, it must be done.

pps. i later discovered warm towels, big pockets in the seats in front of me, nicer pull-out trays, and a full 4-course complimentary meal. didn't get the head of a pig, but in the end, i still felt pretty fantastic about being on the other side of that mysterious first-class curtain. 

a photo for your monday

hi.

i tend to write posts with layers of meaning, but not this time.

i just wanted to show you this neat baby mutant carrot i found earlier today in my tiny carrot bag.

it was the last one.

oh, and i guess i wanted to say that it's hard holding and focusing a camera with one hand, taking a picture of the other hand. but it can be done.

and...when times get bad, it's a nice thought: "well, at least i'm not a mutant carrot."

...that's all.

enjoy your monday!

come together

{written july 2; as always, the photos and videos took longer}

remember the rooftop concert i told you about a couple months back? well last night's was fantastic as well.  they played the entirety of the beatles' abbey road album and it was just...freaking fantastic. the performers consisted of various local musicians that came together for this fantastic tribute. you can read more about the event and who performed here.

we had a good group show up as well! i had actually forgotten about it til the day of, but was super happy when i was able to attend.

i don't know these people; i just liked the compositions. :)

to be honest, the concert was more mellow than i'd have liked; everyone was sitting down and not standing, so it was less energy than i'd been expecting. but the quality was still phenomenal.

and i wished i had my awesome dslr camera there, but all i had was the point-n-shoot. but -- trevor christensen took amazing photos! we went to high school together and he's a great photographer, as well as super involved in these concerts.

i took a few videos; here's one with everyone singing, just to get an idea of the energy that arose in some of the songs: (but if you only watch one video in this post, PLEASE scroll down and watch the one at the end of this post!) 






the end was my favorite; they encored. however, i didn't take any photos or videos then because i ran up to the front and started dancing with everyone else :) we were right in front of the stage! it would have made for sweeeeet photos, but i was enjoying myself to worry too much about that. and that's how i like it, i think.

luckily trevor got some good ones; check it -- we were in a few of them!

you can spot mal because of her hot blonde pixie hair

see? second-ish row!

finale: epic fireworks not even affiliated with the show!

AND i just found this video! again, this one is my favorite; it totally captures the night and brings it back for me. oh, and my little group of friends is in it :) but you probably can't find us unless you know exactly where to look. nevertheless, seeing ourselves rock out is proof for me to remember how fun that night was.






[to watch the first half of the full highlight video, click here and for the second half, click here! they go through, like, ALL the songs. pretty rad]

as always, if you weren't, i wish you could have been there. if anyone has more pictures or reviews from this one, put it in a comment; i'd love to see!

other concert reviews from the concert:
cjane, enjoy it (before the concert: with set list)
cjane, enjoy it (concert recap)
daily herald 

fake plastic trees

i was originally going to post this may 16.  instead, i felt like posting them today.  just, you know.  random holga photos. pretty, eh?  though the plants are dry, and they need to drink.

i'm starting to love that camera for more than one reason.

re-appreciation (and why america is great)

{from my NY journal during my summer 2010 internships.  i originally started writing this the day after the 'statue of liberty' post. then i was going to publish it on july 4, 2010, in light of the holiday. however, things got just a little crazy, and i totally forgot about it! so now, a year later, enjoy ellis island with me!}

this is part II of our day-trip to the statue of liberty and ellis island. this is...well, the ellis island part.

i wasn't honestly sure what ellis island really entailed, even after we hopped on the ferry to get there after visiting the statue. however, during our small journey on the boat between the two, the automated voice in the speaker informed me that it was the island that all the immigrants came through to get to America. "imagine," the too-cheerful female voice invited, "that you were one of those people, coming to this country. can you imagine the shock and excitement it would be to see this, the manhattan skyline, rising up above the waves? after all that time traveling, this is what you saw...."

and i started to imagine. and then i got excited.

we got to the island, and headed to the museum (shown in the above photos). the inside of the museum looked like this:

we toured it early in the day. first, we watched a small movie explaining the significance of the museum and the island, which was awesome. you can actually find it by clicking here! ah, how convenient. you are currently thirty minutes away from a great education of our history.

natasha and i stayed to tour the museum thoroughly before we left, and i'm so glad we did. completely packed with historical, thought-provoking information, it turned out to be a huge highlight of my first adventure in new york. the museum was formatted to be something of a time-line in photos and other memorabilia. the walls in the rooms went through different categories.


leaving home, the journey, transportation, living conditions on the journey, etc....

i loved seeing all the gigantic photos depicting the stories. they also had a bunch of postcard-sized pictures of the ships that the different groups came on. one of my favorite parts was the passports. there was a whole area just filled with framed passports. for some reason, this kindled a great longing to love these people who'd gone before me, these people filled with such hope for a better life. i think the reason was, that i realized these passports had really belonged to them. specific people. i studied these passports, with both their handwriting and photos. (their handwriting was beautiful--i'll spare you the tangent along the lines of my sadness that handwriting is being lost these days...for a different post).  to me, it was just so cool--that many years later, i could be looking at these, the original copies of important things that belonged to these individuals.

the history continued through the walls. the arrival to America, the adjustment, the oppression and racism...

this part really saddened me, especially after building intangible connections to some of these people. this was America...they had given up so much to be here. it's so unfortunate how such small things can tear great things apart so easily.

the walls went on: living conditions on land, making a living, politics, diversities....

i really appreciated how many different cultures were represented in this museum. there were many quotes and photos of and from individuals, depicting their journey. just like new york today, one common goal can bring together people that may not have found each other in any other way.

the captions continued: the 'go-betweens', the new immigrants, the womens' rights activists, and finally the immigrants of today.

lovely natasha and the womens' rights wall

{okay, here's the fun part: another reason i didn't post this until now was because i started making a little movie of some of the pictures i took. i started making it..last year. between my crummy point-and-shoot and the fact that i can barely navigate the unintuitive movie program on my computer, it's hardly a cinematic wonder. BUT. i'm pretty proud of some parts of it, and it's more interesting than just posting all the pictures. either way, it helps me remember how i felt at that museum; hopefully you can get a taste of it too, until you visit for yourself. the post would have been done earlier today, but after creating it, uploading took oh, all of 5+ hours, then glitched. and now you know how i spent the rest of this holiday...anyway, it had to be compressed for the interwebs, which i didn't consider, so you might have to pause it to read some of the quotes. sorry! but...enjoy!} :)

i came away from the museum with a lot of fresh thoughts and a lot more respect and appreciation for both my freedom and my country. i felt my long afternoon was well spent and it helped me remember why America is so great. i am so fortunate!

happy fourth. :)