to feel

this is far more transparent than my usual writings because i'm just now coming out of the moment. please know that i'm fine. i will be gloriously happy soon; happiness always comes back to those who seek it, especially when one puts their trust in God. but there are moments of pain in life, and i need to let this brief one out for once. it's by far NOT the hardest moment i've faced in these last months, but there is nothing else i feel like i can do right now. so i have to let it out. 

if i was planning to write about anything tonight, it would have been about the two amazing concerts i attended this week, one of which i experienced less than a mere two hours ago. but upon arriving home, i got hit with a something --a spot of bad news-- that brought down many little somethings very hard in my mind and it just about paralyzed me for a good few minutes. rather, i thought it should paralyze me. 

but to my own astonishment, i pulled out some bread, cut and ate it, and drank some milk. because i didn't know what else to do. then i was almost appalled at myself for not reacting how i thought i should to the news i just heard. a tad panicked, i texted a couple friends -- just trying to reach out to know some physical person was there and to make sure that i could still feel, i guess. one friend called me and put a fascinating perspective on the sudden pain and fear i felt. in talking with her, suddenly my numbness wore off and so many feelings just raced through me; some are still in my body now--

fear. pain. sadness. insecurity. stress. pressure. despair. guilt.

but here are some of her thoughts: 

you're experiencing a very amazing human moment right now. seize it!

watching someone's passion is just as intriguing and compelling as watching someone's pain. 

you can't just be one thing all the time; let yourself ebb and flow. sometimes, it's okay not to feel at all, as long as you don't hold it in.

it's instances like these that allow us a glimpse of a whole world in one moment.

this is an awesome moment. you're human. you're alive. you feel hurt for other people as well as yourself. emotions are so much better than just floating on the surface. this is it...this is life.

there are times when i feel nothing and it's horrible and life seems so pointless. that's the worst. it is a gift: to have these moments feel. to feel alive. 

take some of the weight of the world off your shoulders, for once. you can be the "needy" one sometimes too, to let others help you and help those whom you can't be there for.

with glimpses into the deepest and most powerful emotions, it is obvious that there is nothing more divine than the human.

again, i feel almost foolish for posting this, especially because i've certainly experienced far more pain and suffering in the last few months than i feel tonight, but i suppose that is why i could write about it more bluntly this time.

i KNOW that things will work out. but for a brief moment, i felt (i feel) very, well, human. very vulnerable. and very unsure. i was grateful that this friend reminded that it's both a gift and miracle to feel.

d&c 101:16