iridescent light

i've been experiencing a lot of different emotions lately.

they are emotions i've felt before, but funneled through different experiences i've never experienced, it's almost as though they become new emotions.

dealing with them has been...challenging.

for example, today i left class early because my headache was getting worse. mariah picked me up and dropped me off. i'm safe in my home now, but i still feel very...unstable. against better judgment, i would have gone for a run but my headache is almost a migraine. so, next best thing: i put on my dance clothes and danced. i have no idea what it looked like (which is usually an obvious and essential part of dance) but it felt good. i got a little bit of relief there. not as much as i usually do, because of my limited physical condition, and i only danced to one song. and sure enough, when i sat down, my headache was back with a vengeance. so now i'm sitting here, writing this all out with pounding in my head, just so i can record yet another very human moment.

i had known exactly what song i wanted to dance to; it was a song that i heard over a year ago in carnegie hall, composed by eric whitacre. there is one line in the song that explains how i often feel so perfectly, and its melody has kind of haunted me since. after hearing it live once, then replaying it in my head for over a year, i don't know why i didn't look it up until 15 minutes ago.

but that's a different story for a different time. sufficeth to say, treading unfamiliar water is always difficult and you tend to breathe in a lot of chlorine (or salt, or whatever is in the water) but breathing is a sign that at least you're still alive. and living is, well, important.


--jeff * said...

this is a short post, but there are a few things in here that i think are beautifully profound.

one is the idea of emotions that we've felt before but are experiencing in new ways. i suppose that leads to new understandings, but not without the struggles.

and that if we are struggling and fighting to keep our head above water, it's proof that we are still alive and haven't given up yet.

and, as you noted, being alive is important.

Kerry Jane said...

You can't not say what the song is now!

kwistin said...

eventually, kerry jane, eventually. ;)