train of consciousness

car --> moving sidewalk --> plane --> air train --> real train --> {subway} --> car

.....

sunday, 6 march, 2011, 5:04 pm

i'm writing on the subway right now. 72nd st, to be exact.

above me are my old summer stomping grounds!

we just passed 66th--the lincoln center. ah! it's all coming back to me.

interestingly, i'm not finding/feeling the same rush of excitement about everything as i did the first time...makes sense,

{77th street; the train is more crowded now}

because the first time i was discovering everything with new eyes. but -- i have this odd ability to make an absolute adventure out of everything in my head (as well as my camera and sketchbook and blog). so, i could have felt the same

{86th street}

or similar on this trip as i did the first time...but i'm glad i'm not.

i'm glad i'm not because the first trip was practically nearly perfect. it was everything i wanted and needed, and it was just right for me. i wouldn't even want to try to replicate it because this trip would change things and make them different than the last time 

{96th and it is SUPER packed in this train}

so this can be a different kind of adventure. different is okay. i'm pretty relieved it's feeling all so familiar to me, but not because of my previous fears (will i get lost? how will i get around? will i get robbed? will i be okay?) -- but because of that fear of accidentally trying to replicate the past (or unintentionally doing so)

{103rd}

and having it not live up to my expectations.

{110th street}

ok...just passed 110th...agh! maybe i spoke too soon -- i tend to long for the past at times. 110th...isn't that jen's stop? maybe not...but oh, memories! she has a great little apartment. desert night and games and ooh -- 

{116 now}

this is the stop before my old stop -- the one leading to the reed's adorable little family. remembering when i sang the baby to sleep during that hard, hard night-- and the trust that she held in her eyes between her tears as she looked up at me---

{125th}

oh!! oh -- i can see the outside. now...now. this is poignant to me. i see the projects on one side -- and the corner of my old apartment building on the other! aaaagghhh...now it's settling in. how i love the 125th stop-- the train goes above ground here. i returned off of this stop every day for a month and a half...

{137th street}

and now we're passing the next stop...the only time i traveled this far was that beach day -- natasha's birthday. the one where everything went wrong and wonderful beth moved in and the mover man bled all over our floor and the train was broken so we had to go up a stop before we went down to far rockaway...and how grateful i was for that detour and for the conversation i had with dear natasha and jodi, and how much our friendship grew that day...

and now. now is where i'm off to the unknown. adventure time? yesss. i believe so. 

{145th, 5:22 pm}

231, here i come! 

passing dyckmann and 207th, the train goes above ground once more and i see a whole new scene. somewhat intimidating--there is graffiti everywhere and it doesn't feel familiar anymore. but i know that there is a diana and a jonny and a little baby waiting for me, so here i come....

.....

addendum -- above is quite literally the stream of conscious thought that i recorded on the ride here. below is the picture to prove it. i edited very little (though added some things) and as i read it through here now, i'm realizing that there's a lot more than a transportation log that has been recorded here.

post-addendum? can you do that? sure you can. here's mine.

i'm now sitting comfortably in diana's charming little apartment, with the rain pounding on the windows, the howling wind rustling the trees (are there trees in the bronx?? it's too dark to tell) and listening to sirens in the distance. 

perhaps, to an extent, i am still in awe of this place.