ok. so i have approximately one bajillion posts (maybe 20?) that are in various forms of publication. some are almost there, some have been abandoned halfway, others need to be written. 

i don't really know where to start, so i'll use this one to break the ice and we'll see where it goes, shall we?

let's start with current events.

so...i'm back from italy. 
hey there!

i can't really sum up the experience i had there in one post, so i'll just leave that information with the promise of italy-inspired posts (and photos!) to come. 

since i've been back, i've finished editing two sets of photos that i shot for two different weddings, as well as completed a huge project at work. again, hopefully i'll get around to posting those in their respective places, and you'll hear about it.

oh, and i'm also kind of fake-graduating this coming friday. 

fake, because i still have to do my final art show before i can legitimately receive a diploma proving my 5-some years of university life. so that'll come in december. 

but i just picked up my cap and gown, so i guess it's sort of official? 


as i was walking to my car after picking up my cap and gown, i had a couple ideas go through my head.

i realized that i sort of have a paradoxical complex.

being a grown-up is hard for me.

here's the thing:

i latch on to intellectual concepts and ideas easily. i crave intellectual conversation and revel in stimulating new concepts and ideas. these ideas don't have to be about anything in particular; they could range from interpersonal relationships to intense gospel concepts to physiology/anatomy to psychology/sociology to the wave particle duality theory (ooooh, that was a good conversation...) and so on. those are some of my favorites, by the way.

i love solving life problems and teaching others and feeling comfortable in a stimulating conversation. over the past couple of years, i've become pretty analytical, which is a trait i don't think i've always had.

but as far as the practicality of "growing up" -- i realized that i'm going to have to actually work at that. for me, that's not going to come as naturally as i think it should, because if so, i think i'd already be better in that area than i am now. at least, it's not coming as naturally as the theoretical practice i just mentioned.

if i had the practicality of "growing up" down, i would not be typing this from a bedroom floor on which i have to make space. if i were "grown up" in some practical sense, i'd take better care of my car and i wouldn't have to fight to pay attention to the responsibilities i have with it. i would manage my time and i'd stop trying to prioritize everything at the same level. i'd stop attempting to skirt reality with my idealistic tendencies and i'd stop expecting people to act how i feel they should. financially, i'd probably have gained credit by now, and i'd probably keep better track of my money. i'd probably know more than a thing or two about cooking.

i'd probably be doing a lot of things differently.

and i'm realizing that to get these particular things, i'm going to have to go at them one at a time, purposefully and consciously.

now, to those of you who have all those things down: bravo.
and to those who are shaking their head in strict reprimand, i say, it is what it is. i'm just being honest.
and to those who are rapidly scrolling past this to click the "comment" button to reassure me that i'm just fine, i really appreciate you, but -- chill.

i feel like i am okay. i'm growing and progressing at my own rate. we all do. eventually i'll be able to understand and do lots more things, even if i think i should have "grown up" faster and in different ways than i have now. i also recognize that different parts of our lives are for different stages of growth. maybe some day i'll be able to manage a credit card and remember to get my car oil and lubed and figure out what i'm doing with my career, but maybe i'll lose some of the intellectual growth that i've become so accustomed to in the past year. it all ebbs and flows.

and the cool thing is, everything becomes a part of us. so hopefully i'll take that growth and those theories and apply it practically. it's a balancing act for sure, but we learn to juggle all sorts of priorities and thoughts and tasks and relationships.

so in some ways, i'll never grow up.
i hope i'll never stop being wide-eyed at things that really impress me. i hope i always love reading childrens' books, even if i don't have kids. i hope i never get too embarrassed to be goofy, when it's appropriate.

and in other ways, i desperately hope i'll grow up. in fact, the whole point is: i'll have to make it happen. things like being more organized, learning to cook, managing money, being more politically savvy, etc -- are things that i control. i also control my priorities and my time.

but it's gonna take some time.
speaking of which, i'm late for an appointment, so if you'll excuse me....

good thing i hear there's life after college.


L0thar said...

To paraphrase a very wise man:

"You keep using using that word 'grown-up', I do not think it means what you think it means."

If these are the qualifications one must meet to be a grown-up, then I'll be honest... I know very few grown-ups.

Clancy and Katie Black said...

loved this post made me think about how "grown-up" am I really :) Also clancy started reading Return by Elder Hales- it talks about the different phases in life. A good read when you're not off to another country, finishing school, or having a social life :)Love ya Kristin!

keviN said...

i don't like the term "grown-up." it's not a goal i have..

i do however, take a fancy to the term "growing." :]

Nathaniel G said...

Ba ha ha - If you're into random discussions on psychology, lemme know if you're up for one in particular...

'Cognitive functions' have been really interesting to me lately, particularly for understanding where/how/why/when we 'grow up'. Also how/why different people pick up some things sooner, and others later. Neat stuff.

100Staples said...

Some people become the person their environment dictates. Some become the person they choose. The latter suits you much better!

I like your direction. I like your happiness. :-)

Adam Johnson said...

I think there comes a point where these are no longer ways in which you haven't grown-up so much as they are simple weaknesses or eccentricities. If a 60 year-old had these problems it would be a little late to attribute it to her being juvenile. We would simply call her eccentric.

A tour of Scenic View Academy would show you adults from 20-60 from a variety of backgrounds and upbringings that have the same weaknesses you just mentioned but twice as much so. They are not mentally handicapped. Many have extraordinary intelligence. Some are definitely too old to be called adolescent. They just happen to have God-given weaknesses that are less common and less culturally acceptable.

We all have stubborn habits that we work on. It's nice to be regarded as mature by the world, but from God's perspective there is very little difference between John Wayne and Spongebob, relatively speaking. I need very much to work on the "grown-up" habits because they are very useful and often necessary to keep the commandments, not because I have some desperate and insecure craving to be treated like an adult. Sorry. I meant to direct that towards the people shaking their heads in strict reprimand.

I find hope in the research that shows changing habits and weaknesses is more of a function of skill than sheer willpower.

I, too, hope you never lose the better qualities of children (who are really adults).